Again Names

I have gone back and forth on posting this conversation for a while. You know, when you are read by people of all different opinions and not just friends who know you, you can be a little cautious of posting your thoughts for fear of reprisal. Well, I decided to go ahead because I have always been upfront and candid and I am not about to stop now. I have two things to blog about. They will be in separate posts. The first is names and here we go.

When we brought the girls home, if you remember, we went back and forth on their names: did we give them names, did we use their birth names, or did we use both, or what?!

When you get out in the adoption world and listen to other people speak on this topic, you will hear a lot of variation, but one thing you will notice is that most people are very strong in their beliefs in why they choose what they do.

I can no longer say that I am strong about my opinion/belief on this topic. I actually never was! LOL!! We finally settled that we would keep the girls' birth names as their first names as a gift to their mother. But then sometime after Mesai came home from Ethiopia (weeks) she was told in full her new name: Mesai Raine Ayana and she liked it. She loved it. She loved the Ayana part and when she would say her name she was always sure to put the Ayana on it because she loved that it meant "Beautiful Flower".

She told me she wanted to be called Raine and I heard her, but did nothing about it. We were going anywhere and there was no immediate hurry and perhaps she would change her mind. So we continued to call her Mesai. But then we went to Sunday School and she informed me that she wanted to tell the kids her name was Raine. So we did.

When the children asked what her sister's name was, I was in a position. Did I say Gadisae or Song Savannah? So I told them that the girls had two names: their Canadian names and their Ethiopian names. Typical of children they just accepted this and went about their business.

Time went by, and we kept pretty much to our family at home and church, so the girls didn't have a lot of chance to try out their new names. So we continued calling them Gadisae and Mesai. But every so often, Mesai would say, "I want to call Raine."

Finally, we made a decision to begin attending a new church (part time). They have a fabulous children's program(s) and teen ministry and since we have so many kids we felt it would be best for the children. Well, the first day we went Mesai made sure she was Raine, but our *children* are used to calling her Mesai, so they kept stumbling over the names.

That was the turning point for us. We had to get serious about listening to Mesai and begin using Raine with a real effort. The girls like Savannah and Raine, and so we are using both, but we are focussing on the Canadian names. Raine likes the little word picture I give her of the "Raine" falling on the "Savannah" and beautiful flowers and food grows for the Ethiopians. It is symbolic for me and 'nice' for her. But honestly, I am following her lead.

She will always be Mesai and Gadisae will always be Gadisae, but they will be known now as Raine and Savannah. And when they are older they will be familiar with both names and *they* can make the choice of which name they want to use.
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Finally Beads

When God chose our girls for our family He knew my heart to spend time doing hair. It might not seem like a big deal to some people. But for people who know what it is to be a not so touchy-feely person, doing hair is a great way to have hands-on and show a child your love. Doing the creative hair styles takes hours and is a very personal time with a child. I love the fact that the girls know it is something I enjoy doing for them, and it is something I do for them alone.

One night I had intended to try and do Mesai's hair in beads and I had forgotten until it was too late. It was 30 minutes to bedtime. Typical of her personality, Mesai did not complain. I sent her to bed and fully intended on waking up early to do her hair before church. The following morning something happened that never happens: Mesai went to the bathroom at 6:30 am and caused me to wake-up. If I had not heard her I would not have woken as I have no alarm! When I went into the bathroom, Mesai was wide awake and this is unusual because she sleeps in the morning until we wake her up. Sleepy girls!

God is good. He knew my heart and that I felt bad not doing her hair and I really didn't want to let her down.

I immediately asked her if she wanted her hair done and it was a beaming Yes! I washed her hair, conditioned it, creamed it and combed it out. We then headed downstairs and parked ourselves by the kitchen heater. It was still dark outside and noone arose for the next two hours! It was a wonderful, quiet morning of just Mesai and I.


She would sit and hold the beads and fill the beader for me while I was putting in the previous set.


I actually found it easier to do her hair, while she had no distractions of TV. I was able to turn her to me without worrying about cutting in on her movie etc. And to be honest, if she really wants to have her hair beautiful it is a sacrifice. As I jokingly taught her to say: Vanity has a price. *grin* She is eager to sit for two hours because she is so happy to see her gorgeous hairdos when they are done.

When Gadisae woke up it was her big day. This was the day she finally had enough hair to do tiny baby bunches. Her hair is so baby fine. She took all of 15 minutes to do her hair and as proud as a peacock when it was done.

Happy Little Girl

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Ready For Church
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Santa Claus Parade and Handling Busyness

Our girls have not been overwhelmed with the season. I believe this is because everything has been new since they have been here and we have handled it in a slow manner. For the first two months, we barely left the property. They got to know who family was and in no time, Gadisae was not at risk of hugging a stranger.

From then on, we moved into an occasional shopping trip, or a trip to Walmart. But as a mother of eight children I do not prefer to shop. I tend to go to town with the children I *need* to take and the rest stay home. I am not looking for work, especially with all these carseats and winter coats!

So the girls have only gone out sporadically. To them, their family is their world. They go to church, they go to the grocery store - but probably only about 4 times since they have been here, they go to Briton's speech appointment, but only so I can weigh them on the way out. Their life is very plain. It is full of brothers and play and fun and family.

This last week, I was out 6 nights out of 7. I should have been out the 7th out of 8, but I said no and cancelled. I am usually home nights. This was very unusual. Suddenly I have a life again! We are no longer in the boonies, and we have big boys to babysit.

We saw something come out in the girls that I think might have been related to the crazy nights. Ray was putting them to bed most of the nights I was out, but there were two nights where he was out too, and one night where we went to a Christmas party with all the kids.

I noticed we began getting erratic behaviour from one little Miss. This little one was always very well behaved, and for 6 days we had 'bad choices' instead of 'good choices' being made. It seemed we were being tested. Perhaps. Or perhaps it was simply some of the feelings from within coming up and cleaning themselves out.

But one night, the night before my last evening that I was *supposed* to go out, this little Miss, when asked why she was upset at bedtime said, "Out. You always going out."

I think her little world was suddenly rocked a little. I gave her hugs and told her that yes, I was out that night, but I was home with her every day and Daddy and I were always there when she woke up in the morning.

As I told my husband, our girls are extremely lucky they don't have to go to daycare like many, many adopted children. For our family we are blessed to be able to have them home with me.

So how did I get way off topic like this!! LOL!!! I was going to mention the Santa Claus parade! Well, here are the pictures.

Big Brother Cadet Was Giving Out Candy.

As Santa went by the girls looked. Simply looked. But when the man dressed up as a dog walked by - oh, the excitement from Didi! It was so cute! DOG! Woosha!
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Doing Hair

Mesai's hair is finally long enough to do tiny little bunches in. She loves it when I do it. I will sit her in front of a movie and it takes about 1 hour to do it right now. It is not quite long enough to do beads in yet.

One day I came into Mesai's bedroom to tuck her in and found a tiny little doll with the teeniest little braids in. This caused us to start talking. I was very impressed that she had such fine motor skills. The braids were about 1/8 inch in size. I asked her if she had braided her Enat's hair. She said she had. She then proceeded to get behind me and begin to braid my hair. I love moments like that. The best conversations we have are when I am tucking the girls into bed. Life slows down and we chat. I ask questions and they share very willingly.

Another day, Mesai came and sat behind me at the computer where I was watching a beading video. She then took her elastic bands and put all kinds of little pony tails all over my head. *smile* Now, the good mummy that I am, I wore them most of the day. *grin*

Here you can see Mesai has little barrettes in her hair, while she is doing my hair. I have to tell you, taking those elastics out of my hair was not fun! They are made for short little hair and so I had to cut some of them and lost hair in the process! *smile*

I have bought all kinds of beads and clips and I can't wait til their hair gets longer. When I have discovered that if I put them in the bath and shampoo their hair with the elastics in, they just slide right out. No pain.

Gadisae's hair is growing very slowly. The other night at dinner, she said, "Me hair no grow." I told her that if she ate her vegetables with a happy heart that her hair would grow. She immediately became silly and started smiling while eating the dreaded food. She is not a vegetable person. Actually, she is painfully slow at all her food - tasty or otherwise. I am not used to that. I have boys that inhale their food!
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A Few Questions Answered

I have been getting questions, so I thought I would take the time to answer them here.

What Do We Do For School?

Stephanie, our younger children are using Spectrum this year. I like the thoroughness of the worksheets, the attractiveness of the layout, and the complexity of it all. The little ones are just using Phonics, but our Grade 4 student is using the Spectrum: writing, vocabulary, reading, and spelling. Both groups are using the ACSI Math program and I really like this, also. I am not doing much more than this this year. The kids are spending as much time as possible outside, and also doing things like puzzles, baking, crafts, fencing, chess, swimming. Ask me again next year!

The Grade 6 boy is using Sonlight Eastern Hemisphere. He is an avid book reader and is enjoying the reading. He has read at least 25 books since he began the program in mid October. He is learning about the human body through the science program in Sonlight, plus doing Language Arts, Bible memorization, classical music, and word processing through the Sonlight plan. I love the independence he has gained through this program.

But all that said - the little two students - both in Kindergarten - are on hold for this year. I have decided to wait. They are both at the very same stage. They are struggling with their letter names and sounds. One is a boy and I have found that all my boys learn later. But I have to say - Later is not bad.

Each of my boys enjoys reading. Some more than others. My last one to take off in reading - my 12 year old - didn't take off until he was 9.5 years. But since one week ago today, he has read one 350 page book, and is half way through another of the same size.

He has done this while keeping up with his schoolwork, and all his school reading, making dinner for me twice this week, and holding down the fort in the breakfast making department and helping in general in the house.

I am not too worried about them putting the books away and continuing to play and bond. When we first came home, the kids spent most of every hour outside during the daylight hours. They had so much fun playing and their relationships were growing tighter.

Then came the cool, wet weather, and they came in to play and school began. For about a month we did school on a regular basis. I realized we needed more time for just 'being'. I was having a hard time keeping the Two Peas organized out of trouble, and the snow arrived!

Upon consulting with some parenting experts, I was given the wise advise to put school on hold and let the girls continue to absorb the culture and not worry about the academics. Cooper is at the same level as Mesai, so he gets to join her in waiting for next year to begin the bookwork. We will continue to work on the letters and sounds, but the desk work will wait.

In the meantime, the snow came. Now the children are outside building snow hills, sled jumps, and eating snow for hours and hours on end. I would say that at age 5, children running around playing and experiencing life is much more beneficial than sitting at a desk learning to read.

We shall continue to enjoy books from a 'being read to' perspective.

Whitney - I loved the encouragement and points about loving during the silliness. You are right in what you said. With your natural born children the love never turns off. It is there. Sure there are moments when you might want to.... Well, you still love them. With adopted children a lot of things are learned. They don't come naturally. Not at first. Some things you simply do because it is what you do. But bit by bit, they become natural. And sometimes, it is simply because someone gives you a tip like loving your children 'constantly' and not just when they are doing the right thing. Sounds simple doesn't it? Not necessarily.

Pouting, Feelings, and Bad Attitude - Roma, you asked me about pouting. To be honest, I can look back now and say I am glad I did what I did. I nipped it in the bud. I also worked very hard and used lots of talking to explain 'abstract concepts'.

The first time that we had a big episode of pouting, I thought the child was deeply grieved. I had no idea what was wrong. I had never seen this 'dead' look on a child's face before. I held them on my lap for a long time and then encouraged them to play and finally they moved on. Soon I got to recognize that face. It was when they didn't get what they wanted. Aha!

Time for a game plan. The next time this happened I made a big deal of showing them their hearts. I listened to their hearts and told them how I could hear them pounding. (Well, before you tell me my idea is silly because of course their heart is always pounding, listen to how well my little game worked. *smile*)

I told the Miserable Child that when they were sad their hearts pounded sloooowly and I showed them with my hands - booooommm, booooommm, booooommm. But when they were happy their hearts went - bang! bang! bang!

Happy Child listened to the heart of Miserable Child. Wow! She could hear the heart beat. Big smile. Miserable Child listened to the heart of Happy Child. She could hear the heart beat. Big smile.

I then told them that the slow heart was a Sad Heart and the fast one was a Happy Heart. (Silly, I know, but it worked!) They, of course, didn't notice the heart beat was always the same speed. :o)

I asked to listen to Miserable Child's heart, (who is now smiling) and I told her how loud and happy her heart sounded. She beamed. Happy Child wanted to listen. She did. She immediately pronounced her sister's heart a Happy Heart. *smile*

So now they had a concrete understanding of an abstract concept of a Happy Heart versus a Sad Heart. This tool has been invaluable.

The next step to working on their feelings was to talk about them. One day I sent a child to her bedroom for a behaviour. I arrived a few minutes later to talk to her. She was sitting on her bed with absolutely no expression on her face. Given her 'crime' she certainly should have had some expression of remorse, anger, sadness, something. If she were one of my birthchildren she would have. Why? Because they know how to express feelings.

I was baffled. This was the second time she had handled things like that and I wanted to know what was going on. So I asked her. Maybe that was not the 'right' way to handle things, but I had no idea. I was shooting from the hip.

I simply asked her how come, when she got sent to her room for doing a certain behaviour, did she have no feelings? Did she not feel bad for what she did? Was she not upset for being sent to her room? I basically talked 'to' her, because she was not speaking back to me. But it was a good thing I did, because after telling her that I was confused that she was not sad or mad for how she had behaved, her eyes welled up and the tears spilled over.

I took her on my lap and cuddled her and touched her heart. I asked her, "How does your heart feel?"

"Mad."

Wow! That was not what I was expecting. Given she was such a sweet child, so big on pleasing, it surprised me that she would be mad. She had done wrong and if I was to match the behaviour to the child - she would have felt 'bad' or 'sad' for the situation. Instead, she felt mad.

She was mad, she said, because she had to sit on her bed.

Not because she had done wrong, but because she got a consequence.

This seemed like a breakthrough. It couldn't be fake, cause fake might have simply said 'sad'. I gave her a big hug and told her how happy I was that she was sharing her feelings. I told her how important it was for her to feel that she could be mad or sad. I said as long as she did not hurt anyone when she was feeling these feelings that letting her feelings out was a very good thing to do.

I showed the girls my clenched fist and told them it was like a heart. If they did not let out their feelings when they were upset, it would hurt their hearts. A broken heart was a heart that did not have a chance to heal by being upset and crying or getting mad when things went wrong. A heart would heal when feelings were let out.

The next time we had a similar situation, I came to Mesai a few minutes after she was sent to her room. She was sitting on her chair waiting for me to arrive. She had the same deadpan look on her face. But within a split second of me saying, "What is your heart feeling?" her eyes filled up and she cried out quietly, "Sad."

Okay, so this was different!! I asked her why she was sad. This time there was remorse for her actions! Another breakthrough. She told me she was sad for what happened downstairs. That was a great moment. I hugged her and told her how proud I was of her for sharing her feelings.

I have always, always, used the words: Happy Heart and Sad Heart with my kids. So I began using the terms with the girls and they really got it. Whenever we talk about how they are feeling I will simply ask about their heart. And then we talk.

As to ATTITUDE. There is a difference between having a Sad Heart and having an Attitude. In my humble opinion, anyway.

We have long been over the not expressing feelings thing. Mesai feels quite free to cry if she wants to now without any prompting. Not that she has much chance to do so, since she is such an easy child! *smile*

But one day we moved beyond the Heart and onto a new word: Attitude. I was putting the girls to bed and we had just had a week of 'bad/poor choices' by one little girl. As I came to tuck her into bed I saw this sour look on her face. I had no idea what was up, as I had put them to bed when they were happy. I asked her about her face and said, "What's wrong?"

"I'm mad." We talked about why she was mad, and it was simply because she had lost out on something earlier, because of poor choices. I was not into letting a child go off to sleep in a huff. So then we talked about how she had feelings, but she also had to realize that being mad did not mean having a bad attitude. You don't walk around sour because of choices *you* make!

I really think the girls believe what I say, because I say it with conviction and I really explain things to them, so that it makes sense to them. We had a little talk, and she knew that I was not into letting her lay there in her bed pouting, so she better snap out of it. And she did.

In the daytime, pouting is very rare. I will offer or give consequences for it. (Actually, I have only seen it once in the last two weeks, and that was at the Christmas party, where said child tried a few little tricks.)

I have had advice to not give consequences and to ignore it, and in the beginning I thought it might be the way. But I really don't think so. The girls do very well with expectations. They know what we expect and they will rise to them. When we lower the bar, down go their behaviours.

They are normal kids!!! No matter where a child comes from, they are children! They will test the boundaries. We have been to doctors' offices, stores, my sister's for dinner, and a Christmas party. Each place they tested the boundaries. They are asking: Do the same rules apply here as at home? And I make sure that they see that they do, and the next time we enter one of those situations they behave as they do at home.

Honestly, I was surprised to see Mesai step out at the Christmas party and try her luck! Very surprised. I did not let her down. After this behaviour from the two of them went on for a while, we took a walk and had a chat. I explained how I expected them to behave at this party just the way they would at home with me. I told them that there would be Time Out - right there - and I pointed at the wall. Or we would go home. They fully believed me, as I have done it once before. Children will believe you - if you deliver. They are very smart.

They went back to the party full of smiles, for a couple reasons. One of which - Pouting was not an option. I know they felt confident that they were loved because we have talked in the past that boundaries mean that Mummy and Daddy love them and want the best for them. And the best includes Obeying, Respecting, and Listening.

Speaking of Obeying, Respecting and Listening - I taught the girls the word Honour the other day. One Little Miss was having a problem with choosing to wipe after using the bathroom. This was not a daily problem - only at night. We had a problem of her choosing to use her pajamas as toilet paper. Days of correction and chatting with other adoptive mums and I think we have her choosing to obey.

What was interesting was I asked them if they used toilet paper at both of the two orphanages that they were in: yes, they did. So she has had 14 months of toilet paper useage. Not a new thing.

So next question, what did you use when you lived with Sintayehu (as they call their Enat)? They told me that she had a bucket of water and they would use water to wash each time they used the bathroom.

At this point I was able to teach the girls the word Honour. I told them that to Honour their Enat meant to Listen, Obey, and Respect her. She had taught them good hygiene and they needed to Honour her by continuing in that practice. We have not had a problem since, and I can only hope it meant something to the Little Miss.

As far as throwing things when mad: None of my children have ever thrown anything in their anger. I think that this goes back to basic parenting. We all parent differently, but right from scratch if a tiny child threw something, I would correct them and tell them no. It is not acceptable. A child may have anger, but they do not need to sin in their anger. They need to learn to talk. That tiny child would be taught verbally and the toy taken away, but if it persisted, it would become Time Out, or some other form of consequence that would make them uncomfortable enough that they didn't want to repeat it.

The girls will test and they are learning that their big brothers are their bosses, as well as us. We have started to get our life back. For the first two and a half months that the children were home we stayed home. On Sunday nights, Ray and I go to a friend's house, with four other couples. We are gone from 6-10 pm (ish). We have a blast. We laugh, talk and we always are studying / learning something fascinating from a Biblical perspective. Also, on Tuesday nights, Ray goes to hockey and I go to my Ladies Group.

Both these nights the boys babysit. At first the girls' were great. They did exactly what they were told. But then the last few times we have noticed that one little Miss will actually tell her big brother NO. When we came home we talked about this with the boys and then the girls were reminded that when we are out, the boys are in charge. Ever since we picked up the girls they have been told that Cassidy, Dane, and Colt are their big brothers and they are to listen to them.

The next time we went out we had a similar incident and a few other little tricks thrown at the boys. So it was time to get serious and talk about consequences if they were choosing to disobey us, by disobeying their brothers. Things are improving and the girls are learning that we mean what we say and we say what we mean.

I really believe the key to all of the behaviours is:

Talk to the children and teach them to show their feelings. Talk, talk, talk. Commend them when they show their feelings. They will come slowly, but they will come.

Get them to show their feelings, but be able to recognize Bad Attitude and deal with it. Do not get it mixed up with feeling Mad. We all feel Mad, but we do not sulk because of our choices, and we do not throw things or hit people because of our choices. Acknowledge their feelings of Anger, but then have them let it go through Forgiveness of the other person.

Consistency. I run a tight ship. Your kids will learn if you can be trusted to stick to what you say and they will rein it in if they know you will be on them.

And last, but not least, they need to feel Loved. Our girls know I love them because I show them through touch, smiles, cuddles, care, words and just plain mothering them.

How Are The Girls Eating? Gwen, the girls are wonderful about their food. Honestly, again, they are normal kids!!! They don't prefer their vegetables, and that is about it!!!! LOL!! I do think it is how we handled it though. We have never adopted before, so we (I, since it is always me home) just did what I would do with my birthkids.

I told Ray that everything they are going to eat is going to be foreign. If I start letting them be picky then they will very likely be picky on a lot of things. So I didn't, right from the get go. In Ethiopia, Mesai was picky, and we let her be. We were on new territory and had no idea what we were doing with this child that did not speak our language and who we did not even know!

But the interesting thing is - in Ethiopia and when she was given control - she would not eat anything. But as soon as we took control and expected them to eat food, in general, the fussiness went.

The first morning Ray served oatmeal and it went down without a complaint. Great. The next meal was pasta and sauce, as they were used to. Simple. Great. That night, dinner was accepted. Suddenly, we were on a roll. I wasn't going to stop it.

I served dinner and in it were peas. One child didn't want to eat them, but I knew that they were a staple at our house, so she did. I only gave them each a tablespoon of them. They got used to peas and now eat them fine, but don't love them.

As far as dislikes. I have always given them food and expected them to eat it. But when I saw something was intensely disliked - and this only happened twice: pears and cheese - I did not reserve it. But the funny thing is, they came back to them later, another day, and now love them and ask for both of them.

They eat everything and enjoy it. They have grown to love icecream and pizza, but that didn't come at first. They now just want to eat what the boys eat. If I was serving something that was nice and they turned their nose up at it, I didn't force the issue - it was a treat, after all. But just watching their brothers causes them to decide to try it and each time they end up loving it.

So I believe that by feeding and expecting them to eat you will have less fussy eaters. My birthson is the worst fussy eater I have ever met!! And he has to eat his food, but if I listened to him I don't know if he would eat anything! So I take this method with the girls and they eat like Native Canadians
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Attention Getting and Being Real

I love the little moments that bond me to my children. The other day the children were all outside playing, and trust me, when I send them out - I send them OUT! It is rare for me to have a moment where I do not have children under feet, so when I send them out to play I expect them to play outside until I call them in.

I have absolutely NO guilt over this with regard to our adopted children, due to the fact that most people who adopt, send their children to school. Those children do not have mummy in their sight for many hours a day. Our girls have me on and off throughout the day, so I figure they are just fine giving mummy a break, while they play with their brothers outside.

This one particular day had been a *loooonnnnggg* one!! I was thankful they were finally all outside, and I should just mention - the days are shorter, the children are all doing school now, so I don't actually get to send them outside for very long anymore! My quiet times are very, very short now!

Well, I come around the corner in the kitchen and their is a child coming down the stairs. In my sacred, quiet, house. WHAT? A Child? *laugh*

"What are you doing in?" I question her.

"I am potty," She replies.

"You are not potty. You are girl," I tease her.

She looks at me with the look I have come to know and love - the REAL child (not the child that is looking for attention with silliness) - and she shakes her head in exasperation and says, "Awwwww Mummmmm." Like: Come on!! You KNOW what I mean!

It was the sweetest thing and it squeezed my heart a little more. Those *real* moments are what are connecting me with these children. This littlest one can tend to put on what she thinks is cute. Simply to get our attention. But really, I don't like it. It is gooey and sugary, and simply not *her*!

She is learning that we love the Real Girl. I have talked to both of the girls, and her sister, Mesai, is old enough to understand what the Real Girl is versus the Pretend Girl. We found she was doing some very silly giggling whenever her dad was around. Totally not who she is. When I talked to her about being herself, she understood. I told her that we love her for her, not for the silly girl. We love the Kind Mesai, the Sweet Mesai, the Helpful Mesai. She understood and since then I have seen that she is so much more real. She realizes that she doesn't need to be silly and giggly to get our attention.

What I have noticed with Gadisae is that when she first came to us she would do the silliest faces and we lapped it up. Wasn't she cute! But it didn't take me many weeks before I realized it was all for attention. She made a face - we reacted - she felt accepted - it continued.

Upon reading about healthy attachment and attention getting techniques, I realized what was going on. I began to explain that she was being silly, and she, of course, knew she was being silly. Today, I see a different child. I love how she is now. Tonight, for instance, she was sitting on her floor. Ray and I were talking. He, sitting on her bed, and I, sitting on Mesai's bed. Mesai was in the bathroom. I looked at Gadisae sitting on the floor watching me, and I realized she was very deliberately watching me. So, as I looked at her I said, "What are you doing?" Kind of teasing her. Instead of being goofy and going off the top with faces and such because she had my attention, she simply replied, "Me sitting on floor."

But... she couldn't resist for long. As she got off the floor, she walked to her bed and began showing off. Making the most ridiculous faces. Ray and I continued talking and ignored it. But day by day, she is learning that that is not what gets our attention.
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What's In a Slouch?

When we brought Mesai home, we would sometimes see her stand with her slight little shoulders forward, her left knee bent in, and her hands clasped. It was a sweet little position. But more often, I would simply see her shoulders slouching forward slightly.

I thought it was simply a lazy slouch. I showed her how to pull her shoulders back, and when I would say, "Shoulders back," she would smile and throw them ridiculously far back.

When I took the girls to the paediatrican in Vancouver, she looked at Mesai's spine and it was as straight as a rod. After this visit, the concern of her back went out of my mind. I had other things to think about - parasites.

About a week ago, (about 4 weeks after the appointment), I suddenly realized I had not seen Mesai slouch for a long time. Since then, I have been observing her, and she no longer has poor posture.

It blows me away. This has not been about a little girl who learned to walk or stand with a slump. I believe this has been about a little girl who had a broken spirit.

I only say this because I know part of her history, and I know that she didn't want to come to Canada. Not at first. But now, when I see this child - today, she is the happiest little thing. Day by day, she is opening up more and more. Tonight, I said to my 15 year old son, "She is coming into her own." I actually had to ask her to keep it down a couple times! She was so noisy, I thought it was one of my boys. And she had a couple of days where she has tried the Waters of Misbehaviour, so to speak.

And, at the same time, she is learning to show her feelings. When she has had to sit on her bed twice for misbehaviour, she has sat there with no emotions whatsoever. When I came in and talked to her and asked her why she did not show her feelings the tears came. Big tears. And arms wrapped around me hugs. She is learning to tell me that she is mad. It is like somebody asked her about feelings and that told her it was okay to have them. And then they released.

I am so glad for this. She can't always be a happy little girl - and she certainly seems to be! There must be more feelings hidden inside than that. And now, slowly, she is letting them out. In a safe way. It feels like she knows that she is loved enough that she can tell me her feelings. And I will be there. I will not go away, or get mad at her. She just needs me to say, "What does your heart feel like, right now?" And then she has told me.

Seeing her run around and play without the slouch just shows me how much this little girl had bottled up inside her. Feelings that have yet to be let totally out. But at least, she has begun. And she is feeling confident and secure enough in her home to stand up tall. This is hugely rewarding to me
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Moving Beyond Survival

Life has regained a semblance of normalcy. There are moments / times when I think I HAVE EIGHT CHILDREN!!!!! Am I nuts?

But then I know that God planned it all and it is all in control! *laugh*

At times it is frustrating because I know that people expect us to be who we were before. And we aren't. We are a different family. We are adjusting. We are learning to live together. We are, as I have told Ray, *rock tumbling*. That is how I explain the sometimes uncomfortable way that we get through the days or situations. We are creating a New Normal. This is our life now. It is good. The girls are amazing. But it is different.

We can't just pick up and go out - yes, the girls can and the boys can. But *I* don't always want to! I have 5 kids to put in carseats or booster seats. You try doing that in winter coats! Like I told one of our boys, "It will probably be 9 months home before many people really see our girls." They have been home for two months already and the snow is about to arrive (we have already had a couple dumps). Once the cold weather arrives I do not have great plans of dressing everybody to go shopping, just for the sake of doing it! It will be much easier to leave the kids at home and take one or two with me, rather than the crowd.

I am enjoying finally feeling that we are a regular family again. My one son, has a real problem with everyone wanting to talk to us. As it is, even before we had the extra kids, we would get comments from people at church. Nice comments. But still comments. They would say things about loving watching our family and such things. Well, this one boy wants to crawl under a rock! LOL!! He does not want to be watched and questioned. This last Sunday when we went to church he didn't come in until the service was started, so he could avoid the well-wishers, smilers, and questions at the door.

I told him he is becoming phobic!! LOL! His brother told him, "Just smile, shake hands and move on through. It's not that bad."

But I do know what he means. *I* do not like being on display and when we go to town, small town that it is, they tend to notice us. What do you think!? They have waited months for this day! And we have been in somewhat hibernation for the last 2 months.

Well, it is finally starting to feel like that is all behind me. *I* don't any longer feel like they are new children. I no longer worry about having them 'just beside me' when I am out and about. I know that when I park the car and open the sliding door, they will hop out and simply follow me. I don't have to hold hands for fear of them walking into traffic, or not knowing what to do.

Now, they are just part of the routine. "Belts off," I call. They clamber to the door. I open the door. Out they jump and into the video store we go. Just a normal everyday family. Until Mesai says, "I am movie looking." Right, she has not been in a video store before. WHAT? says the man, flabbergasted LOL!!

I love the fact that though Mesai doesn't get much of what I say, I can whip off a list of instructions to her and she can gather what she needs and run and do it. "Okay, upstairs. Jammies on, brush teeth, and then play in your bedroom, until book time." And off she runs. Her sister, on the other hand, is much less clear with what I say. I have to break it down in tiny pieces, and sometimes Mesai will rescue me and turn it into Amharic. But either way they are doing amazingly.

It is hard to believe that two short months ago, I was telling them how to shut a door, what a coat was, how to make a bed, why we have to flush the toilet, wash hands, put on shoes etc.

Each of those instructions took great teaching - both in visual and in verbal. Now 95% of our day is routine and they just know what to do, or if I call out an instruction they follow through with it. There are few new things right now.

Someone made a really profound statement the other day and I really appreciated her honesty. She said, "It's not always easy loving a child that did not come from your own body." We love our girls, but it is step by step. The love while in 'utero' (Ethiopia) is different to the love when the child (ren) are in your home and your lives and adjusting to being *your* children - not someone else's children. The little things that you did not train into them that you are adjusting to, or the little behaviours. And simply becoming their parents. It takes time.

Now, don't get me wrong. We have been truly blessed by these little girls. They are very special little personalities!! It does take time, though, and it does not happen overnight. It is a great thing and I would have it no other way, but it would not be real to say it just 'happens' immediately. Everyday you become more of a family.

The one I have to say that adjusted the easiest was our five year old. He and Mesai and Gadisae just hang out all the time. Now, the other two, ages 9 and nearly 4, do also. But the 4 year old had to adjust first, and I can say that that is done. He is my happy little boy again. Interestingly enough, he blows me kisses all the time and just wants a kiss here and there - something he didn't do before the girls. He was usually too busy. I would steal hugs and kisses, but now he is a little sap. And he is always kissing the girls. At dinner tonight, he slipped over two stools to get up close to Gadisae to give her a kiss in the middle of dinner. He is such a little love.

And funny to say, but I think the oldest two have had a different reaction than I would have thought. First, the girls are simply more siblings. Not girls. Just kids. *laugh* The girls are not pandered to. That is not something we would ever do, and I am glad to say that neither Ray nor myself have that attitude. So perhaps that is why the boys don't spoil them. To one son they are simply more noise! LOL!! To the other son, they just blend in with the crowd and he is too busy with his life to see much of them. Not really what I thought would happen. But it is good. The whole crowd just simply feels like it has always been together.

They play for hours and hours together and rarely fight.Where once the boys would go outside for a couple hours to play on the cooler days, now since September they have been outside for most of every day! The girls are acclimatizing very nicely! I actually have to call them in when it is too dark to see because they would keep on playing! They don't even notice the chill in the air! Children are simply amazing! Or maybe I should say - Mine are! *smile*

Snack Time

Teamwork Cleaning Up the Yard

Their First Big Puzzle

Gadisae had never done a puzzle before. The four piece puzzles were a real challenge to her. Then one day, she and Briton got out this puzzle and began to work very hard. I was amazed. Briton had never done a puzzle like this before on his own! And together they accomplished it

The Four Amigos

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Choosing to Learn English

Gadisae has very little English. She relies on Mesai to talk. Mesai says what she wants when she wants something:

Mum, television?

Mum, thank you for the meal. May I please be excused?

Gadisae, no! That is mine.

Briton, don't touch.

Can I see it?

What is that?

She is capable of sentences.

Last week, I told Mesai that I wanted her to try to make a sentence rather than relying on one or two words. I explained what a sentence was. I gave her some examples of sentences. I then showed her my hands showing how big two words was and then how big a sentence was. She clearly understood what I was saying.

She dug deep and came up with: Mum, I have apple please?

I was so pleased with her effort. But for the next week or so, she has gone back to relying on us giving her what she wants without making any real effort. Today, she and her sister arrived at the door with Briton, looking for an apple. None of them have much speech! LOL!

So, as soon as the two girls began to speak and simply say, Apple, I said to Mesai that I wanted her to use more words. Make a sentence. I gestured with my hands to show more words. Gadisae cottoned on very quickly and said, "Apple, puleese." Good for her! She got her apple right away.

Briton clued in and said, "Hep me, appuh" (Help me, apple). Good for him! They took their apples and went off to play.

Thus, began Mesai and my lesson in speech. I told her how when Briton went to the speech doctor, they told me to not give him what he wants unless he asks for it. He had to make an effort, and I expected her to do the same. She has at least a two year advancement on Gadisae's cognitive skills.

I knew that her saying, Apple, was not an effort on her part. She certainly knew to put the word Please with it, and could easily remember to say, Mum. So I knew I was within reason to push her a little.

I told her that Briton was little and he only gave 'this much' words and showed her with my hands. Gadisae was little and only gave 'this much'. Again, I showed her with my hands, again. The big boys gave *thisssss much* and it was way bigger. Then Mesai only had to give 'this much,' and it was in the middle of the big boys and the two little ones.

I coached her and gave her clues and told her clearly I wanted her to make an effort. I told her that as long as she and Gadisae were talking to each other in Amharic they did not feel the need to try and learn English. And if we all answered their needs when they asked for: Mum, bun. Mum, apple. Television. Book - we were not raising the bar enough for them to feel it necessary to try to learn English. It was time for her to try harder. I told her that I also knew that Rebecca, her teacher in Ethiopia, only spoke in English to her. The gag was up. *grin*

It has been almost two months of total immersion in the English language. Gadisae probably uses 20-30 words - Mesai 50 words.

She sat at the front entry bench and thought, or simply sat, (I am not sure which). She didn't look like she was trying too hard. I came and went from the room, as I was helping Cassidy with school and making dinner. I then called her into the kitchen and chatted with her some more. I told her to dig deep, TRY, TRY, TRY. She has a little stubborn streak, and she was utilizing this at first.

Then, as I was not budging on giving in, and she could see from my facial features that I was on her side and really wanted her to succeed, she began to produce words. (It was like my eyes squinting and mouth pulling in this way and that as she moved her mouth trying to form words, must have made her realize I was really on her side! LOL!! As if my painful look as my faced moved in deformed grimaces trying to help her illicit sounds simply by coaxing with my features. *grin*)

I could see her lips forming the word "Can" - and I nodded my head, while thinking, Yes, thaaaaatt's it. Come on. Let it out. You can do it. *lol*!!!

Well, FINALLY after chewing on the word for long enough, she must have believed it was a word and out it popped!

CAN and right on its heels YOU HELP ME APPLE PLEASE?

Whoa, Baby!!! You did it!!

Mum, can you give me apple please.

Oh, boy! Was I thrilled!! She persevered and tried, instead of giving up!

YES!! I knew you could do it!! I am SO PROUD OF YOU!! Give me five!!

We high fived, and then I kissed her and kissed her all over and hugged her tight. I was so excited I had tears in my eyes! Success! What a moment!

She laughed and giggled at her crazy mother swinging her around the room. LOL!!

We went and got the apple and I picked her up and hugged her again, and we laughed. I said, "I am SO proud of you for trying!! Well done!"

She walked outside looking so proud of herself.

It is *worth* trying. I could let them learn at the slow pace they are, and I will in most areas. But there is no way that they can't learn some basics. I have seen how she parrots every single word she hears. And Gadisae does not. But Mesai is choosing to not do the hard work and put sentences together.

I know how much more she is capable of. For instance, I know of a little boy of her age, who was only in the country *six* months and when we met him he had no accent and spoke perfect English. Well, we do want our girls to speak Amaharic, and we love their accent, but they can certainly learn English, too.

Oh and an update: about 30 minutes later, when I went outside to take them for a walk, Mesai said, "Mum, gloves?" And I, out of habit, responded, so she received her gloves. Then she said to me with a smile, "Mum, can you help apple, please?" She was proudly showing me her skill.

I then said, "Mesai, ask for your gloves properly." She immediately said, "Mum, can you help gloves, please?" And smiled. Success! Sure, we have to work on the grammar and word choice, but not today.

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A Wonderful Welcome

Our girls were welcomed in the most heartwarming manner today. Old customers of Ray's, who long ago became friends, (and readers of my blog *smile*), came to meet the girls at our house this afternoon.

They came in with the most beautiful gift bags. The girls were sleeping when they arrived, but knew they were coming, as we had discussed the internet birthday card that Mesai had received for her birthday.

I brought them downstairs and without prompting they went from person to person saying hello. They have such impeccible manners. It is so sweet.

It was so neat to see the delight on the girls' faces when they saw their gift bags. Mesai has had a birthday, but this was Gadisae's first gift. As the bags were handed to them she did not dive into hers. First, Mesai said, "What is this?" in her typical fashion. Gadisae watched Mesai to see what she would do and then followed suit in taking out the tissue paper in her bag.

Beautiful Bags

Oh Look!

Click on the picture and look at Mesai's delight and Gadisae's thrill. Such a happy moment for Gadisae, especially, since she had not opened a gift before!

Mrs. V. Showing the Girls Their Gifts

The girls received the most cozy, beautiful pajamas, and then discovered something else. What could it be? Mrs. V. had thoughtfully and patiently searched for weeks to find the girls' music boxes! When they opened it it was the most amazing thing. It was the epitomy of a little girl's gift. Every little girl should have a music box. What an amazing keepsake!

But that was not all! Within the music boxes each of the girls had an exquisite, tiny, silver bracelet engraved with their names! So beautiful!

Enjoying the Beautiful Butterfly Dancing

When the girls went to bed they had a chance to play their music boxes as they went to sleep.

We were very touched by the thoughtfulness of this welcome. And not only did they think of the girls, but Mrs. V. and her daughter Penny, also brought the boys a wonderful filled box of cookies!! Oh, and you should see the decorating! Who could eat these works of art? Well, actually, I did, and so did the rest of the family. They will probably be gone by tomorrow! *laugh* They were so tasty. But seriously! If you could see the pitiful cookies that are decorated at my house.... *grin*



Unfortunately, Mr. V, and his grandson, Tyler, left to get gas right before I took this picture. So they are not in the photo.

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Brothers and Sisters

Friends

Up to this point, Gadisae has not done any puzzles. She has played physical games with the boys. Today, Mesai and Cooper were doing a 40 piece puzzle with rather small pieces. Gadisae showed an interest, so I got out a puzzle with 30 pieces - a floor puzzle with pieces about 4" in size. It didn't take long to realize there were too many and too small for her to work with.

I then brought out a farm puzzle with 6" pieces - 24 of them. Again, no clue as to what to do.

Next, out came the Discovery Toys 4 piece puzzles. I gave her one of the puzzles and sat down with her and expected her to do it. It was apparent she was not even looking at the picture. She was simply trying to jam pieces together. I showed her how to do it. That didn't help her. She struggled on. I then did the puzzle for her, showing her how the pieces went together, and then allowed her to try to do it partially from memory of what I had done.

I left the room to check on the dinner. When I came back, Briton had moved in with her and she proudly told me she had done the puzzle. I said, "You?" And then she told me that she and Briton had done it, "Berton, me."

"Here, Gadisae."

This is a picture of Briton guiding Gadisae in how to put the two last pieces of puzzle together. He did the first two pieces and her job was to put the second two pieces in. She was struggling with them, so he figured he could show her. This was the first time in Briton's little life that he knew more than someone else! I am sure it was a good moment for him!! *smile* Gadisae was very proud of herself.

She continued to work through the puzzles and between her and Briton they managed to do all four. I am sure she will slowly improve, but this shows what lack of exposure to things can be like for a child!

Cooper and Mesai are doing wonderfully together. They are at par, right now, in school. While Cooper knows his sounds, Mesai knows her letter names. They work well together. I hold the flashcards and say, "A says 'ah'," and they repeat it two times after me. It is like having a one room school house!!

Learning Sounds and Letters

Doing Math

They work side by side in their math book. We are waiting to buy their individual ones, so right now they are literally using the same book. But they are a fantastic team!

Mesai Copying Cooper's Design

Cooper was asked to set the table and I asked Mesai to help him. As he gave her instructions to follow him, I heard him say enthusiastically, "Good job, Mesai!! Mum!!! Mesai is putting the placemats on the table without even watching how I do it!" *grin* And the two of them are so cute in their manners. When one says, "Good job." Or "You look beautiful," the other will always without prompting say, "Thank you." So sweet.

Speaking of manners. Tonight, big brother, Colt, age 17, was trying on some dress clothes. And it was the funniest thing. Mesai, who certainly knows all about how to talk to different ages of people (very smart little girl!) walks in, walks past him, and then says, "You beautiful people, Colt." Too funny!!!

When I say she knows how to talk to people - When an adult says, "How are you?" she will reply, "I am fine, thank you," in perfect English, in a very prim and proper voice.

Today, a teenage boy said, "How you doing?" To this she replied, just as clipped, "I'm fahhn." That is one smart girl!

Mesai Working on Her Alphabet Sounds

The Two Littlest Ones

While the big kids are schooling the little ones are outside playing. This was when they were having a hot chocolate. The time for them to play outside by themselves is a good thing. It has given them a chance to bond. It is so sweet to see the relationships forming. Briton has named Gadisae - ''Didi' - so we now call her Didi. He calls Mesai - 'Didi two' - as he holds up two fingers. I have tried to tell him that it is Mesai, but he is determined to call her 'Didi Two'.

At dinner tonight, Gadisae, Briton, Mesai and Cooper were sitting at the eating bar. They were conversing about names. They went over the names that Briton had called the kids. It was Cooper that began talking about the fact that there was Didi and then Missy, as we call Mesai. Then Mesai got going with her giggles and humour. She pointed at Cooper and said, "Ohpar." Because that is what Cooper is called by Briton. And she can get his accent exactly right! It was so funny to see her connect Briton's names for the girls with the fact that he can't say his brother's name correctly either. Too funny!

Mesai is the master of folding properly, so when I gave out laundry to be folded, she folded the clothes and Cooper put away towels, socks, and pajamas!

If you didn't have a brother, how would you ever learn how to look like a monkey??

Monkey Gadisae

Creative Kids

These two took off by themselves one day, with a roll of tape, a pair of scissors and a couple boxes. They came back a couple hours later with this! I was most impressed! I am sure Mesai had a lot to do with it, as Cooper doesn't usually take the artist initiative! Great teamwork, yet again!
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Tuesday Treasures

Our Deep, Yet, Witty Big Girl

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Two Countries, Two Mums, and Two Dads

About a week ago, I decided that I would open the topic of Mesai's Enat with her. We had had the girls for 5 weeks, and they had not been raised by their Enat for pretty much a year, but I knew Mesai remembered her. I knew the girls had been advised to 'move forward' and that Canada was a new start. (This was not our advice.)

But to me, in my thinking, moving forward and making Canada and her new family the only way, was not the best thing for her. The girls need their roots and they need pride in both their countries.

Last week, when I brought this topic up to her I pulled her onto my lap and asked her questions, knowing I could be met with answers that I was not prepared to handle. I felt it was necessary, so I moved forward.

"Mesai, do you miss, Sintayehu? Your Enat?" She thought for a minute and then acknowledged that she did. I hugged her and told her that it was a good thing that she missed her. I know of a number of children who have been advised by people to not miss things and therefore it is not unusual for them to not admit their love and loss. I was pleased to see that she felt open to sharing this with me.

I then asked if she loved her Enat, and when she replied that, Yes, she did, I told her that her Enat loved her, too, and missed her too, but she knew she was happy in Canada.

"I am happy that you talked to me. I want you to always be able to talk to me about your Enat. We are all a family, and now you have 'two mums'. Two mums love you."

Her smile told me that she was happy with our conversation. I felt good about the fact that the topic was now on the table. I remember in the first days thinking that I would open up a topic that would cause her real grief. As time went on though, and I heard more from other families, I just felt that to show her that she could talk about her past was so important that I needed to take that chance.

Tonight, I opened the topic again. Mesai has shown herself to want to be Canadian and forget Ethiopia. I do not want this to happen. Apparently, this is common of adopted children. Thankfully, we have friends who have Ethiopian contacts, so we can use these contacts and create a relationship with our girls with their friends.

I was out for our first walk around the block today with all the younger ones, plus Cassidy, my helper.



On the way back I made a comment to Mesai about how nice it was in Canada. She had clearly loved our walk and it was her first jaunt off the property. She announced that Canada was nice. When Austin asked her about Ethiopia, Is Ethiopia nice? She responded, No.

I knew we needed to talk. So when I put her to bed tonight, I had a little chat. I love the quiet times, like bed and bath, cause then I can chat. With her being so sharp I know there are key words that I can use that will get through to her, and then we kind of creep forward with trying to understand each other. It is slow, but oh, so rewarding!! Little tiny insights.

As I tucked her into bed I said, "Mesai, you are from Ethiopia. That is a wonderful country! Daddy and I love Ethiopia. In Ethiopia there are nice people. Kind people. Loving people. It is a beautiful country. We love Ethiopia. You should be proud to be from Ethiopia.

You are from Canada, too! You are a lucky girl. You have TWO countries! Gadisae is from Ethiopia, and she is from Canada. She has two countries. You are lucky girls!

Briton is from Canada. Cooper is from Canada. They only have ONE country. You have TWO countries. You are lucky. I want you to be proud of being Ethiopian."

She seemed to understand what I was saying and believe me, because she made a connection to our previous conversation. When I left her side to go and put cream on Gadisae's hands and tuck her in, she said to me, "One mum. No, two mums." She put up two fingers.

"Yes, you have two mums. One Eeetiopia mum and one Canada mum. Yes."

"Two mums and two dads," She repeated.

This was the first that she had mentioned her Ethiopian dad, so I was a bit excited to see an opening for a 'talk'. I was so pleased to see that she was remembering our talk from the other day about her Enat, and her desire to bring this up again. I finished with Gadisae and then went back to Mesai's bed.

"What is your Eeetiopian abat's name?"

"I don't know."

"What is your Eeetiopian mum's name?"

"Sintayehu," she replied very promptly.

"Your Eeetiopian abat's name is Adugna." I pronounced the 'g' as a hard sounding g.

She looked at me funny and said, "I don't know." I told it to her again, and then she said, "Aduunya" - the pronunciation is different that I thought it was. She may be remembering that that was her surname before she was adopted. That is Ethiopian custom for the girl to take the dad's first name as her surname. I am not sure that she remembers her dad.

We chatted some more and confirmed that she had Two Mums and Two Dads and Two Countries - what a Lucky Girl!!!

It is so exciting to see progress. I can see that talking about her Enat and Abat are good things, and it is neat to see how quickly she changed her view on what is good and bad. Just by being told it is okay to love and talk about something.

It felt right. A little step at a time, but slowly I have a view into her heart and as her language comes through more, I will be able to chat with her more. I would love to ask her questions such as, what does she remember of different things. But those are big words and hard concepts. Soon.
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