Birthdays For Our Girls

In International Adoption one of the things people need to know going in is that birthdays are not always what they seem. When we got our girls we thought they were 3 years 10 months and 4 years 11 months. Why wouldn't we believe this. It was, after all, what was on their birth certificate.

But we have learned over the last three to four years that that is quite typical. Why?

For one, in a country such as Ethiopia many, many births take place in little grass huts where going to register a birth might not be feasible.

 

 A Home Like Our Girls Were Born In

Or perhaps losing the birth certificates, as our girls' mum stated she did. So then they are in a situation where they have to come up with birth certificates. Since these are not done the day the baby is born there is always the chance the information is not accurate.

In our case, we asked our birth mum numerous times if we had the girls' true birthdates. She stated that they were indeed the ages we had been told. We suspected that this was not so, as our girls had already told us that they were five and seven years old, upon pickup from the Transition House. At that time, Solomon Tsegay who worked for Imagine, told us that the girls were mixed up. We believed him.

When we came home one of our girls told us that her mother had told her that to be adopted they needed to be three or four years old...

But we still had no proof. Then one day we were fortunate enough to reconnect with our birth mum, and at this time she felt safe enough telling us the ages of the girls. It was as we suspected: she feared they would be rejected by the adopting family if she told their real ages. Thankfully, she believed that the girls were loved enough that their real ages didn't matter to us, and never had!

So now our girls will no longer have birthdays in September and November, but instead, in June and July! They are also 2.5 years older than we thought.

This does complicate things slightly because on paper they are legally 6 and 7, but in real life we call them 7 and 8, and actually they are 8.5 and 9.5. How crazy is that!

Many people have chosen to keep their childrens' paper ages but we didn't because it didn't make sense. Raine was clearly older than 7 years old, and Savannah was about 8" taller than Briton and growing in leaps and bounds. So we gave them each one extra year.

This way when it is time to get their driver's licenses they will be held up by one year, rather than two, and that could pose a real problem for them when they have to wait til their paperwork says they are 16, when in actuality they are already 18.5!!! So one year up works for us.

There is a factor that you might not expect and that is what the other kids think. In Ontario they are very strict about birth order adoptions. I believe it is that you have to adopt under your youngest child. I never understood that until now. But at the same time, I think, "But what about the children you are adopting. They are losing their birth order!" That is significant.

When we first told the kids that we were adopting the girls, we told them how old they were. Raine would be 9 months younger than Cooper, and Savannah would be 2 months older than Briton. When the girls arrived we realized we were probably wrong. I knew from Cooper's personality that it would be an adjustment. I didn't tell him right away. When I did finally tell him tears welled up in his eyes. He liked the idea of being the big brother. We sat on it for a while, and then finally moved her forward a year, putting her 3 months older than him. He was okay with that; she was his twin.

With Briton, Savannah was always his twin. She was two months older than him. But for the longest time this didn't seem right. We knew she was older than him. Finally when we got proof that she was not just one year older than him, but 2.5 years, we knew we needed to advance her a little bit. We had been preparing her for this for a while, talking about ages. She knew that Raine had had her 5th birthday when she arrived in Canada, and then a year later, she had celebrated her 7th birthday. So it wasn't a big surprise to Savannah when I told her one day that she was seven.

The unfortunate thing was that Briton was walking by at that particular moment. This is the child that is the *end* of the birthday train. Well, it depends on how you look at it. His birthday is in January. BUT the kids that he hangs with have birthdays from end of the September, to November, to two in December, and then it is finally his birthday in January. That was always hard enough - watching four birthdays go by and waiting forever for his.

But then that day when he walked by and overheard me talking to Savannah I heard a little squeaky, "Huh?" of complete surprise and disbelief.

He couldn't use enough words to explain what he was saying, but the gist of it was, "Savannah's five. Her didn't have six. Now her's seven. That's not fair!"

No kidding. It probably didn't seem fair! We sure didn't tell him that she was really eight! (grin) He would have really thought that wasn't fair. How on earth does someone go from five to seven overnight?! Especially when *he* knows how long it takes for him to wait to turn one year older! (laugh)

He did eventually settle into the fact that she was indeed older than him. And then it was time for Cooper. We hadn't told him at the time we discovered the girls' ages about Raine. Somehow it slipped my mind. I guess because I had always known she was older. Well, one day I accidentally mentioned Raine as being 9.5 (which she is well aware of) and Cooper was shocked. Okay, here we go again. (laugh)

We let him chew it over for a little while. I left it alone. After all, we did already call her eight, and he had just turned eight, so it was fine. But we had always written the kids names in age order as Cooper, Raine, Savannah, and Briton. I had yet to change this, as it wasn't really fair to Raine. Soon...

Then tonight, while Briton was doing his prayers, he was listing off the people in the family one by one. He would say a name and then pray for one in particular. Then the next. After he did Austin he paused. Then from the top bunk I heard, "Cooper or Raine is next." (I wonder why it was "or"? lol) He immediately followed this with, "Do Raine first. She's older than me."

I was so proud of him. The transition has been made. My kids are not whiners, so I can really see why 'birth order' really does carry some importance with it! My suggestion is to be sensitive to the children you already have if you find your adopted children are not the ages you thought they were, thus upsetting the age order you thought you had! Take your time and let them adjust naturally.

And now, without further ado. Here is Raine's "8th" and Savannah's "6th" birthday party.

Cooper and His Now Officially Big Sister, Raine.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR BIG GIRLS!

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Love, Reign O'er Me, Rain on me.

It is 12:45 AM on January 1, 2011. I did not have an exciting New Year. Instead, I had a pleasant one. Our older boys headed to the ski hill for a night of tubing, bonfires, hotdogs, and hot chocolate with friends, and our middle sized boys spent a fun evening at the movies watching the newest in the Chronicles of Narnia, while the little four and I stayed home, had pizza and punch, and then finished our evening off with the movie The Secret Garden.

Once the little ones were all tucked up in bed, my hubby and I sat down to watch a movie. We browsed through a few looking for one that appealed for such a night as this. We settled on one that I thought was going to be funny given it had Adam Sandler in it. And with him you never know what kind of movie it will be. So I was forewarned and forearmed with another movie choice.

As soon as the beginning came up it stated it was an R movie. ICK. I don't do R movies. I then pulled out my trusty computer and went to pluggedinonline and did a check to see the content. I was surprised to see it was not to be a comedy, but actually a very profound drama.

Adam Sandler played the character, Charlie Fineman, a former dentist who lost his wife and three daughters in a plane crash in 9/11. His old college roommate spied him one day riding downtown New York on a motorized scooter. Alan Johnson, the friend, soon discovered that his old classmate was a shell of the man he used to be, having cut himself off from anyone who knew him in his former life, and having become an emotionless individual who played video games and renovated his kitchen every couple months.

It didn't take long for me to be swept up in this movie. Such a painful story, yet so necessary to watch, to understand what my daughter has been through. Yes, both my children have had a lot of loss, but one in particular, has endured so much more. To see this man so paralyzed by grief that he refused to speak of his family, acting as if he didn't remember, was sobering and eye-opening. I felt I was looking at my daughter.

And the irony is that the previous movie spoke to both my daughter and myself: The Secret Garden. This little girl arrived in England, an angry little girl, but one who did not know how to cry. We talked about Mary and Raine understood her.

There were parts in Reign Over Me that brought me to tears, especially the court case. My heart felt ripped in two as I transferred his grief to my sweet daughters and thought of what they have had to live through. It is really almost beyond my comprehension what they have experienced. The only way I can begin to imagine it is to pretend it is one of my little boys whose hearts I know so well. Then it becomes flesh and blood real because I *know* how they would react - with terror and sadness and grief and confusion and broken hearts, and perhaps they too, would eventually shut down, because to think about it just hurts too stinking much!

When I watched this movie it made me realize why consequences just don't make sense. Not to a child who has faced such trauma. I understand now, more fully, why without secure attachment, consequences can do more harm than good. Yes, we want a child to recognize that what they did was wrong. But really, in the face of life, does it *really matter* when they didn't do their chores, were disobedient, unkind, told a lie, and all the other things that get them corrected through the day?

No, I am not going to suddenly become a different person. That will take a miracle. But I am going to be so much more astute to the fact that in the grand scheme of things I need to say to myself:

DOES IT REALLY MATTER!?     before I dish out a correction - no matter how small!!

I have heard over and over that when a child is attached there will come less behaviours. But truly it is frustrating when you know a child knows how to do the thing they are not doing, or the thing they have chosen to do wrong, and that makes it hard to ignore, because you are used to parenting your other children in a different manner. But I have to remind myself over and over and over again - that until that attachment is solid they are going to react to correction in a differently than my boys. So a gentle redirection, a soft correction is going to do so much more for undoing the damage that has been done, than a consequence.

Because any form of correction can be construed as a form of trauma to children who have lived the life my girls have. And this probably rings true for every child that has been adopted at a later age. They have all experienced too much.

So please, do rent this movie, but be warned it is not for children. There is a fair bit of language, but the depth and profoundness of the movie made it worthwhile. It will speak to your heart and open your eyes to what grief, trauma, and loss can do to a person - let alone a little child. And we have the nerve to say 'children are resilient'. Who says!

Only love,
Can make it rain,
The way the beach is kissed by the sea.

Love, Reign ov'r me.
Love, Reign ov'r me, Rain on me.

Only love,
Can bring the rain,
That makes you yearn to the sky.
Only love,
Can bring the rain,
That falls like tears from on high.

Love, Reign ov'r me.
Love, Reign ov'r me, on me.


Peter Townshend
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I wonder how many other children from Ethiopia eat like my girls do? They have been home for two years now and they still eat as much as I do! Actually, they used to eat double this amount!


This is Briton's dinner beside Raine's. They are 'supposed' to be within two months of each other in age. She is a girl! Seems to make no difference! And have you seen how incredibly skinny she still is? I am curious about others with children from Ethiopia. Do yours eat a huge amount?
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Harmabee - Day 2 - Sunday

We slept well and then the next morning it was up early (well, not really, but after our late night it sure felt early!) for the coffee meeting in the big tent. This is where all kinds of things were discussed: what would happen all week, the events, the speakers, going over a few rules etc.

After this the kids and parents all congregated for the Bike Safety School.The children had to pledge to follow the road rules. They then had to sign a paper stating they knew they would so many warnings, depending on age, followed by a 24 hour suspension, followed by the loss of their bike for a week.

Stop and look at intersections
Wear helmets
Don't ride on the grass
Don't park on the concrete by cabins
Ride on the right side of the road
Stop for pedestrians and cars

Trust me, I had a lot of explaining to do to get each and every one of these rules (and a few more) in to the heads of four children: 5, 5, 7, and 7!!

Pledging to Follow Rules

They were then issued their licenses, which were applied to the backs of their helmets.We headed out to check out the surrounding areas. There was much to do with a bike jumping area, with trails, a playground, and then streets all through this compound that is run by the United Church

The Kids at the Bike Jumps

Out on the main grass area there was a FUN ZONE set up for the day. This was five of those wonderful rented play structures.

Old Friendships From Mehaber Camp!

Because today was Sunday, there was a lot of freetime. The classes and lessons start on Monday. Our week will be full! There are drumming lessons, hip hop dance classes, and then lessons by the Miyanda girls. There are also art sessions, plus there are ladies who will do hair (beading, braiding, straightening etc). There are lots of activities planned for the youth.

After we had dinner, we headed to the main grass area. This week there is the World Cup Soccer Games going on. There are four teams:

Canada, Africa,USA, and Caribbean. If you are adopted then you can sign for the country you were adopted from. If you were not adopted then you sign for the country that your child came from. So Cassidy signed for Africa. Tonights game was 1.5 hours long and was Africa versus the Caribbean.


It has been a lot of fun getting to know different mums. There are so many to talk to that you don’t run out of people to talk to. My time has been very full just keeping on top of where my children are and going to functions.

I had a wonderful surprise when I arrived yesterday. I was looking for the corner store and as I was driving down a road I stopped to ask for directions from a lady. She was leaning over her trunk of her car, and as she turned around we both said, “HEY!”


It was the one person from my adoption seminar that I have kept in touch with! It was SO awesome to see her! She brought her little girl home from Haiti in December.

After the soccer game there was a Family “Jump Up”Dance. They played some fun music for a couple hours and everyone had a good time dancing. It was Caribbean Style Dance Carnival.


Savannah was simply amazing at the dancing. That girl has rhythm! She seriously does her own thing and you can feel and see the beat based on the moves that she chooses. I have had numerous people tell me that she can dance. I am going to do my best to get her to teach herself for the time being, since we don’t have anything for her in our town. It is apparent to me that she just needs some examples to follow. I noticed that when the Miyanda girls were dancing Savannah watched them and then followed their moves, and then when they stopped she moved on til she found an adult that was dancing and then began to learn from them.


There was more going on, but I was too busy to attend!The boys are still working on their memory work, fitting it in around their busy days. They are nearly at the end of their hard work, and it will really pay off when they get to spend a week at Bible camp this summer. This is a bigger function than Mehaber and much more detailed in its organization. I love Mehaber and can’t wait til next years camp, but this is wonderful in another way!
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My Absolutely Gorgeous Girls

My Adorable Little Girl and Her Pretty Big Sister.

Someone used the word 'Yummy' to describe Savannah the other day, and I have to agree. There is something baby girl in that sweet little face. And day by day, she is becoming more and more *my* baby girl - in her mind, as well as mine.

Isn't it amazing how beautiful my girls look! Sorry, can't help bragging, but you got gorgeous kids sometimes you can't help but say it! lol Just look at those chubby little cheeks. So nice to see them filling out. Raine is still a slender little thing, and perhaps she will always be, so it is nice to see her with cheeks!

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May Road Trip - Part 5 - Trip Home

Our trip to visit Colt was a short one due to the finances, so after we popped by to say goodbye to him we were on our way. I was going home a way that I had not been before, and I really had no clue where I was going. I simply followed the map and read the road signs. I really need a GPS!

As we are driving down this road I suddenly realized we had arrived at a ferry crossing! I told Austin that he had directed me the wrong way. I got out of the van to ask and found out that, yes indeed, we were on the right road and we had to take a ferry to continue our journey! I felt like one of the explorers from the old days. Normally, I have total understanding of where I am going. Here I was travelling blind! It sure made for a fun trip, though.


The beach was absolutely covered in these beautiful rounded colourful rocks! We had the pleasure of hanging out and waiting for the ferry for an hour. The kids enjoyed throwing stones and clambouring over the rocks.


When the ferry arrived we learned we had a 30 minute crossing, so I figured this was as good a time as any to pop open the back of my van and make lunch!

We then took the lunches up on the deck of the ferry boat. It felt like we had just been blessed with an unexpected holiday on our holiday! You have to enjoy the small treats along the way.

Our drive took us through some beautiful little lakeside towns. There were some amazing historical buildings. I wish we had them in our towns!

The Old City Hall

One of the sites along the way home was the Enchanted Forest. I have driven by there before and always intended to stop there, so this time I surprised the children when I pulled in. It was almost closing time, so we only had an hour to spend there. I wasn't sure it would be worth the expense ($60) for all of us, but I am glad I stopped because Austin told me at the end that it was worth the money. The children had fun playing out the Three Little Pigs. I will have to upload that video as it was really funny. I told them the story, but forgot to tell them the ending...

This expression says it all. I was leaving this area and turned back to see where Savannah was. She was hanging the laundry! It was already there, but she obviously wanted to pretend she was hanging it up. When I called to her she put on this silly look. She is such a ham!

Our last meal out of the back of the van: baked beans, bread, and fruit.

It was a great trip and I am glad I made the time and effort to take it. Colt will be home in July for a couple months, and we are all really looking forward to that. There is also the possibility that Tyler will be coming to visit us for a while in August, after her time as staff at Cadet camp is over.
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