How Deep is the Veneer?

I remember asking the social worker how long before the honeymoon period would be over. I figured a few months. She said prepare for a couple years before we really knew the girls. I thought she was out to lunch. Not that I told her!

Now I am beginning to wonder if she was right.

It is so hard to put into words. There is a constant evolution with our girls that shows me that they are gradually adjusting and transitioning into being part of our family. In the beginning they were like little robots. So perfect, so exact in how they spoke and responded and did as they were told. But I knew that they were not yet comfortable, which was why they made no mistakes. I was looking forward to the day when they didn't do exactly as they were told. It would show me that they were coming home.

One day, we had someone visiting us. It was after lunch and the girls knew the routine: eat, potty, nap. I opened the front door and stopped to visit for a few minutes with this person. Savannah left the table after finishing her lunch and moments after, Raine also joined her. After a minute or two, Savannah said, "Naptime, Raine," and Raine responded quietly, "Not yet." She was more interested in seeing the visitor than going directly up to naptime, as she knew was expected. (Now I wish my boys were as perfectly behaved!! Of course I know that it was just a matter of time before they became 'kids'. *grin*)

This was the very first time she did not do *exactly* as was expected of her. It might not seem like a big deal, but it was. She was getting more relaxed and less robotic. It was a wonderful thing to see.

Another interesting development is the girls' emotions. Raine (Mesai) is a tough little nut. I really believe she has been through so much that she doesn't show her emotions because 'why bother? It doesn't change things. People still go away and don't come back.'

Since Raine has been with us, she has not shown her emotions much. Way back in the beginning I had to encourage her to cry and let out her sad heart. I would tell her that if her heart was sad it would get better if she let all the sadness come out in tears. When she was given 'permission' I saw her dissolve into tears. This happened a few times, but only when I verbally encouraged her to cry.

But I don't know. How much do you really know a child that you have not raised? Are the tears real? Or are they just her doing what she thinks I want? It is a slow, slow road. In the meantime, I hug her and tell her that crying is a good thing. But she still rarely cries, and honestly, I don't think it is the best thing.

And then there is Savannah. When she first came to us she would cry hard if she was corrected or if she got a bump or a disappointment. But as time has gone by, I have noticed that she doesn't do this anymore. And I don't think it is natural.

The other day, I brought home donuts as a treat for the kids, while I was out on an errand. I discovered that the four little ones had been naughty for Dane, and as a consequence they would have no donut. I know this was disappointing, as they don't get them very often. This was the second time lately that they had been babysat by an older brother and where they had chosen to not listen to him. So they needed a reminder that they had to obey their big brothers, as they would me. That is old news, though. They know this!

As the kids were finishing lunch, I told them there would be no donut. You should have seen the crocodile tears sliding down Cooper's face! And Briton's, "No me?"

But the girls just looked at me and barely acknowledged the loss. This was not the first time that they had reacted this way to disappointment, so I addressed it. I asked, "Aren't you disappointed? Cooper and Briton are crying. Didn't you want a donut?"

Raine's voice broke *slightly* and she said, "I am sad."

So why, why, why, are they not showing emotions? This stumps me, concerns me, worries me.

I have pondered ways to deal with this. Do I make their world all rosy so that they don't have any losses, disappointments, consequences in life? So that they will always feel happy? How do I show them that a loss is a small thing in the scheme of life? In the scheme of what they have lost already? But in reality there are disappointments, bad choices that get consequences and little losses. So what to do?

Tami or Courtney, if you read this and have any suggestions, please email me. I know you have lots of experience with your little ones from adoptions.

Why did Savannah show emotion - noisy, dramatic emotion - before, but now take the hard knocks so stoically? It is not typical four/five/six year old behaviour!

So yesterday and today, I handled things a little differently with her. I encouraged her to cry. I might be out in left field, but I have no clue right now what is the right thing.

Savannah did not go out to play when the other kids did, as she would not take her quiet-time today (for the third day in a row). She had to stay in the house for a little extra time, while they were outside playing. I *know* she was disappointed, but when I told her that she would stay in while they went out, she simply looked at me blankly and said, "Okay." Like a perfect little robot - with no feeling whatsoever.

Now, if one of my little boys had to wait for playtime they would not be happy and would verbalize their disappointment. But not her.

So I talked to her and asked her how she felt when she had to stay in the house: "Happy." Said with a expressionless face. How did she feel seeing her sister and brothers playing, "Happy."

"Is your heart sad? "

"No. "

I am baffled. How can her heart not be sad? It doesn't make sense. And honestly, by her expression, I could tell she was sad.

So I left her for a few minutes hoping she would start to show some emotions. A few minutes later, I went and sat beside her, as she looked outside at the kids. I could see a glimmer of a tear in her eye. I pulled her onto my lap and asked her how her heart was feeling. "A little bit sad."

"Why?"

"No play with the kids."

I gave her a hug and told her how pleased I was that she was telling me that she was sad. "I want you to tell Mummy, 'I am sad,' when your heart is not happy. Don't keep your sad inside, or we can't get it better."

I stroked her cheeks and showed her a sad face. "When you cry, your sadness comes out, and mummy hugs you and your heart gets happy again. But if you keep your sadness all locked inside then your heart can't get happy."

I held her and there were a few tears and I stroked her back and asked her if all the sadness was gone. She said, No. And continued to cry. About 2 minutes later, she smiled at me and said, "Mummy, me have water, please?" And jumped off my lap.

We went and got water and then she ran to get her coat and boots. As she came in the room with her hoodie half over her face as she was dressing herself, I poked her in the tummy and then her bottom and said, "Where's Savannah?" She made a point of reaching out and pretending she didn't know where I was. When her face reemerged and I had helped her dress, she stopped to give me a great big kiss and a smile.

This is what I mean about the veneer. How much has this little girl endured to be at a point of not showing her emotions? How do I bring her and her sister to a level where they healthily show their emotions, without at the same time turning them into children who think they need to cry to make their feelings known? There is a healthy balance, but knowing what it is is the key!

In the meanwhile, Savannah knows I love her. She is a dear little child with a heart of gold and a sweet, sweet spirit. She is giggly and goofy, and like I told Dane yesterday, "Dane, she is your sister, genetically, through and through."

As a side note: the girls are happy. They play well, they don't fight with their brothers, they are sweet, and try to do what we want them to do. I don't see any lack of emotion when it comes to happy playing - just when it comes to disappointments.
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