As some of you know I went for an x-ray of my spine last week. The reason I did this was because for the last three months I have been having intermittent tingling in my left hand and foot. It does not have a pattern and it is not easy to figure out if there is a trigger.
Big things like M.S. worried me, and I didn't want to put words to that. But Praise God, I am claiming no M.S. The doctor decided to see if there was 'something' compressing my spine. They were looking for cancer or arthritis or something else (I forgot what). Well, Praise God again. No ominous things showed up on my x-ray, and according to the chiropractor I have a text book spine. Or as I loved telling my son, the chiropractor says I have the spine of a 30 year old! *grin* He also could not believe my pelvis had delivered six babies. Love it!
Anyhow, please my prayer friends, hold me in prayer, as the symptoms are still here, and I would love to see them go away. They are very irritating. It is like walking on pins and needles and other things like that. I have seen my homeopath and talked with her and have yet to get a remedy. The doctor tested me in the office for many different areas of my neurological abilities and everything was excellent. That is a good sign.
You know what I think it is? Grief. Isn't that a strong word?! That word did not even cross my lips until someone else suggested it to me. She told me that though I was 'fine', and not caught up in feeling the need to get involved in controlling my son, Colt's, life, or not worried about him, that I was indeed, grieving. She said when your first-born leaves home it is a big thing. (Not only that, he is a 10 hour car ride from home: two plane rides or 24 hours by bus!)
Then my sister pointed out to me that her mother-in-law is dealing with the same thing this year. Her daughter, husband, and children have always lived in the same neighbourhood, and just this year they moved to Calgary. That is a long way away when you have always lived near each other! Her mother-in-law's grief has been very, very real.
My sister also cried on her daughter's first day of Grade 1. She says she has adjusted now. LOL! I never went through a first day of Grade 1. *grin*
Mandy said maybe I should stop pretending I am fine. Stop with living the feeling that the world is saying: "Hey, get over it. They all grow up and move away. So why should you be sad? It's part of life. He's a big boy now and doesn't need his mummy." Actually, I didn't realize I was pretending til now.
Maybe she is right. Maybe I tell myself that I am not weak and clingy if I admit: "I am sad. I wish my son would move closer. I wish I could see him in his first love relationship. I wish I could meet the girl that is so important to him. I wish I could see him in his apartment making all those grown-up decisions. I wish I could have coffee with him. I dread him having children and not getting to be a Nana that lives nearby and can have the kids stay at my house whenever they want."
There I said it. Call me weak. I don't think so. They say when you love deeply, it hurts just as deeply when you let go. And I did let go. Now my heart has to mend. And it will. In time.
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9 comments:
Great post. It is an adjustment to body, soul, and mind. Being a mother is not for cowards--that's for sure.
My friend...
You are not a weak woman for wanting to be with your child. How much more natural could it be than to crave the presence of the boy you brought into this world, schooled at home, raised into the wonderful young man he is today? You, who have loved him more than anyone other than God, have every reason to incline your heart towards him and long for his presence - imagine how much God must feel the same about us, his children! I have only one child thus far and, though he is only five, I am acutely conscious that I already mourn the day that he will leave the house. I cannot understand people who celebrate the day their children leave the nest - they're not better or worse than the rest of us, but I simply don't understand it.
Miss your son, Justine, and grieve his loss from your day-to-day life.
I am so very glad, on another note entirely, that nothing physical was found to be wrong with your back. I've been praying for you. Now, I think I'll add to my prayer list a reminder to pray for you as you come to terms with Colt being so far away. Hang in there.
Ruth.
Ruth, thanks so much for your kind words and your prayers! Prayers and support have been very important to me this last week.
Blessings!
Justine I am so glad that our prayers have all been answered and they haven't found anything serious. I'm sure it is very frustrating not to have answers.
Keep smiling I have found that our children eventually come home and bring those wonderful treasures called Grandchildren.
You, my dear, are definitely NOT weak! What a life change you have just gone through, I don't doubt for a minute that you're symptoms are grief-related. Of course, you need to continue getting checked out, but I imagine once you have worked through the emotions of everything, you'll find those symptoms have lessened. Praying for you, Justine! :)
Hello Justine
I have been dropping by your blog on and off for a year or so (and before that your other two blogs) ever since I started working with some homeschooling families in New Zealand. I so admire the way you are raising your family and modelling a superb educational environment.
This post on grieving Colt's departure from the family house moved me deeply with your honesty and openness to growing through this painful and natural experience. Thank you.
I'm also pleased that you've had the back pain checked out and nothing sinister's been found.
I live in Scotland now but am privileged to continue to be invited to undertake education projects with homeschoolers in New Zealand. Your blog has given me many insights into the deep thinking, the practical difficulties and the joys, the commitment involved in home schooling which has helped me in working with my precious homeschoolers !
Douglas
Douglas,
Your post left me speechless, which for me is a rare thing! smile
Thank you for your wonderful comments and compliments! I write from my heart and at times I wonder who reads? It is so nice to have someone step up to the plate and tell me their thoughts on my blogging.
I shall be checking out your blog.
Blessings, Justine
what a beautiful post of mother love. I am so glad that the physical symptoms point to nothing serious, and I will be praying for you this week. darci
and ps...I miss my children TERRIBLY when I have to be away from them even one night, so I can only imagine (and don't really allow myself to right now!) what it wil be like when they head out into the big wide world. I too, think it is completely normal, natural, and BEAUTIFUL to have such a strong connection that you grieve his going.
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