You Are Only As Old As You Feel

I am about to talk about a subject that most of the parents of the Ethiopian children that I have met have encountered. This is a topic that seems to be either discussed very openly or is totally taboo. It depends on each person. For us it is an open topic that has come up repeatedly over the last year. It will continue to surface as time passes by and the girls bring it up or life throws it at us.

What is it?

The real ages of our children.

Often times I have been to a person’s adoption blog and they say that their child is such and such and age, and it is clear to any observer’s eye that the child is years older than they are claiming. It doesn’t affect any of us that are reading the blog, but it does seem curious that a person would hang onto something that is clearly different than they state.

Why would a person do that?

Perhaps for the same reason that we did. *smile* I am sure there are many reasons. One of my reasons was because I didn’t want my daughters to be older than they were supposed to be. They were referred as three and four year old girls, and for that you assume you will be mothering and nurturing tiny little girls.

Our referral was for girls 0-4 and 0-7, and when I heard the first was four years old, I assumed the second must be one or two years old. Yet, she was three years old. When friends and strangers saw the referral pictures they immediately told me they thought the girls were older. Except for with a close friend, who had experience in this regard, I denied the possibility. I said they just looked older because they had no hair. But I figured they were probably right, and they were at least a year older than their referral stated.

To be brutally honest, as much as I came to love my children, a tiny piece of my heart was saddened because I did not have a tiny one to bring up. The ironic thing is that when we began our referral process the request was for one child 18-30 months. In the end, we ended up with two very unbabylike, but wonderful not-so-little girls.

Therefore, that is why I kept denying that my girls were older than they were ‘supposed to be’. Even with this going on it never left my mind – this question as to how old they really were?

Some might say it doesn’t matter. For them they might be right. For me, I wanted to know. At least I wanted to try to get an idea. I have kept my interest in knowing more about how old they are under my hat, as far as the girls are concerned, but I *have* asked Raine a few times how old she thinks she is. This has come up because she has divulged information that contradicts how old we were told she is. Each time she has been given the gentle opportunity to ‘spill it’, if she knows she is older, she has stuck to ‘six’. No other answer.

For the last year, I have come to know our girls quite well. I would dare to say that I know them very well, but there are still areas that noone can know for some time yet. Areas that they keep hidden. Little vulnerabilities.

One such vulnerability came to light not so long ago. A friend was visiting and she had adopted Raine’s best friend, Fikru. Upon meeting Fikru’s mum for the first time she proceeded to ask, “How old is Fikru?”

When his mum told her how old he was and then asked her how old she was, Raine replied, “Seven.”

This was the first time she had shared this thought with anyone.

When my friend asked her why she told her mum she was five she stated, “My mum wants me to be five, so I am five.”

Later, when Raine and I discussed her admission, she broke down into tears. In her innocence, it had not crossed her mind that my friend would share her conversation with me! The long and short of it was that Raine had never told me that she suspected she was older because she 'didn’t want to get put back in Ethiopia.’ She figured we wanted a younger child because we had told her when we met her that she was four. After all, we were told she was four, so we presumed this information to be correct!

As it stands, many children in Ethiopia have any idea how old they are! If they are born at home, as our girls were, or in an area where they don’t take them to church to baptize them, or if they have no calendar, or if their parents are illiterate, then there is little way to ensure a birthdate. And each of these were scenarios that our girls experienced.

Raine had no clue how old she was, until upon entering the orphanage, she was told that she was four and her sister three years of age. A teacher at the second orphanage told them they were five and seven years, and that is what Raine held on to. And then our referral came with the original admission from her mother of three and four years of age. When I met the girls in Ethiopia that first day I asked them how old they were.

Her answer? ‘Five and seven.’

How very confusing for a child! No wonder she didn’t want to share what she thought!

The wonderful thing was that now this was shared with me I was able to tell her that no matter if she was a very short fourteen year old, she wasn’t going back! She was our daughter and we didn’t care how old she was!

We discussed her confusion and she told me that she really wanted to know. Was she five, six, seven, eight, or nine? Seriously, at times I have joked that talking to her is like talking to a ten year old!

I told her there were ways we could get an ‘idea’, but nothing concrete. She told me she was interested in finding out the best guess on her age.

So many of her stories didn't line up with her age, and we know she has a picture of her sister and herself when Savannah was a crawling baby and Raine a walking child (not toddler) that make us suspect that there is more than one year between them.

We have observed Raine’s development, wisdom, maturity, and behaviour for the last year. Close friends and family have spent ample time with her, and we have visited with other Ethiopian children that are supposed to be her age, and it is clear to us that Raine is not five years old turning six.

Savannah was the hardest one to figure out because developmentally she struggles. Her English is far behind Raine, and we have discussed at great lengths if it is English as a second language that is her problem, or if she has a receptive or expressive language delay. We can’t be sure. So further testing is going to happen at some point in the near future.

But in the last two months I have had opportunities to see other four and five year old Ethiopian children, plus spent time camping with a six year old little girl, and then had my six year old niece visiting us this summer. Since the girls have come to us, Savannah has grown in leaps and bounds when it comes to her abilities, as well as her size. It wasn’t until the last two months that I have been certain that she is not four turning five. Even in Edmonton this summer, there were three other mums with little girls from Ethiopia that are in the same age range as Savannah is supposed to be, and all of us pondered and discussed and went back and forth based on her size and her abilities. No one could be certain as to what they thought.

While we were camping this summer, I had the wonderful blessing of meeting another family that live near my friend S, in Edmonton! They also have an adorable little six-year-old girl who was adopted. It was so wonderful for Raine to meet her first adopted friend, and to make it better, this little girl was also a different colour than her family. She is a part Native child. We spent about five days visiting and camping beside each other and her mom had plenty of opportunity to observe Savannah. This was significant because her mom is a Special Needs teacher in a public school and is used to observing children. Her assessment at the end of the week? The girls are six and eight years old.

Hmmm.

We went home and I was ready to take my head out of the sand and admit they were one and two years older than I thought.

I made an appointment at the dentist to have a panoramic x-ray done of the girls’ mouths. This is the first of two x-rays that will help us get closer to determining their ages. I understand that the x-rays are quite accurate with their lower age, but they might be short on the top ages.

The results of the x-ray said that Savannah is between five years old (not four as she is supposed to be) and six years old. She has a birthday coming up in November and she should be turning five. As I said, it is quite possible based on the x-ray that she is even six already. She is a little more complicated because she honestly struggles with comprehension of the language and her cognitive skills continue to stay behind Briton, who is turning 5 in January. So to turn her six might be to her disadvantage because of her delays. For that reason, for the time being, we will just leave her as turning five.

Right now, she is not talking about how old she is; she is simply being a little girl and playing. This will buy us time to see how she does over the next year. Her disadvantage is that she is so much taller than other four turning five year olds, and so really, she can't be in their age classes at gymnastics and age segregated groups. Thankfully she is homeschooled so that takes some of the pressure off of her.

Raine’s x-ray was harder to tell. The dentist pinpointed her as being between seven and eight years old. She is supposed to be five turning six. The reason it was hard to tell was that she was malnourished for longer and much more so, than her sister ever was. Malnourishment can make a big difference in the teeth and the bones. Her history of growing height and weight wise so slowly is evidence of this.

So when Raine has her birthday in September she will turn seven and not six. We have discussed this with her and she is *so* savvy that at times we think we are dealing with a ten year old. People have even suggested she could easily be nine years old. Therefore, this is her decision. She will turn seven, and we will watch her over the next year, and if we feel it will benefit her then she will turn nine next year and not eight. The dentist has already written down that his assumption is that she will be turning eight this month. So he is ahead of us by a year.

The unfortunate thing is that this will not help her when she needs to prove legally that she is older than her paperwork states. Most places in our lives I do not have to show a birth certificate, but there will be times. Such as drinking and driving. *smile* And honestly, how many parents would love an extra year or two before their child has the right to take the wheel!?

If we get to Ethiopia we will do our best to see if we can track down some official documents that show her age, but if they are not birth certificates it will not help us any! We have a friend whose dentist proved his age and they later found his baptismal record (which lined up with the dentist’s age) but it was not accepted as proof, as it was not the birth certificate.

So what is the point of doing it then? Well, if a child clearly looks twelve and is being called ten, or clearly eight and is being called five, it is in their best interest to be grouped with children or in classes where their abilities are challenged! Raine is a quick learner easily fits in with my eight year old niece and my friend’s nine year old niece. Both girls had no clue Raine was younger than them when they were asked her age!!

So there you be. *smile*

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