Since we have brought the girls home I was not certain if we were thoroughly attached. I probably am still not certain, but I am pretty sure. We have all the right signs for attachment, but still, I have heard that it can be illusive - the non-attachment signs.
It was confusing because our girls showed the signs of attachment from the very beginning: eye contact, open to our affection, doing as we asked, looking to us for help, etc. But at the same time, it seemed odd that they would be so well attached from the beginning.
There was, of course, one area that we needed to see improve, and that was indiscriminate affection. Gadisae would openly offer hugs to anyone. Mesai did not do this ever. I was pretty sure alot of this came from the orphanage where they were hugged by everyone that came to visit, but still as first time adoptive parents it was a little disconcerting.
It didn't take long for the message to get across that hugs were *only* for family. And there were a few quick saves as Gadisae threw herself at someone. There was one funny one where we were in the house and a person came to the door and I thought we were past this stage, and I said, "Oh look, it's Rusty," and Gadisae leapt past me and threw her arms out to embrace this woman.
I tell you, I must have instant reflexes, because before her arms made contact, my arm shot out and grabbed the back of her shirt and she was suspended between us for a moment, before she flung out her hand and said, "Hand! Friends! Hugs Family!"
It was so funny! Well, that was probably one of the last of her hugs for anyone. Now, they are at a point of attachment that they can give hugs at church to dear old ladies who love them and they know it is okay.
Gadisae definitely has a wariness now about strangers and Mesai has always had that. So that is good. But the other day I received the coveted Attachment Trophy via Gadisae. We were visiting a new church that day and I told the kids we would be going. At breakfast she looked up at me and said, "Mummy, me scared. Me no go downstairs (that was where she figured the Sunday School was)."
I felt I had just been handed a trophy! This was the first chance I had had to see that she needed ME and that she felt that I could keep her secure. Of course, I assured her that she and Briton could sit with me in Church and the big kids could go. What a great day that was.
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5 comments:
That is great Justine!!! A very good sign for sure. It is so interesting how different our girls are. After 4 days, Selam wouldn't go anywhere without me. Now I feel like she is attaching properly because I can go and she trusts I am coming back. When we are in a new place, she reacts much like an attached toddler would. She goes to other parts of the building, but keeps coming back to check that I am there. they are each giving signs of attaching, but in their own ways. Sooo interesting.
natasha
That's great! My daughter was the same. I had to use the same method, by telling her hugs were for family. Now she is actually reserved with strangers and always looks to me for assurance. I love it!:)
That's awesome! A really great sign.
Wow, that's a fanTAStic sign of attachment! Horray! That's huge progress!
The other day, someone from my church was gushing a bit about how they can't wait to give our children gigantic bear hugs. I was thinking, "Oooooh, boy. This will be tough." It's going to be hard to keep everybody's hands off the kids!
Funny, I read about this a lot and, personally, don't agree. Well, that is to say, I DO agree with kids not running and clinging to strangers etc, but don't agree with hugs etc being just for family. I feel we live in such a "personal space" hoarding society, you know? I understand that your little ladies were adopted as older children and the boundries are for their protection and attachment to you, but don't you think it also teaches them some fear? Just my thoughts. NOT trying to battle. :) I am from a strong European culture- hugs, kisses etc for family, and family friends, or someone who wants to say hello to Malía (with Mama's eye on them) can hug/kiss her. However, SHE will sometimes say no to certain people. My parents get embarrassed and try to encourage her not to "hurt" the other person's feelings, but I draw the line there. No way does she have to show affection, regardless of who it is, if she is not feeling inclined to do so. And, again, Mal was in my arms at 4 months 6 days so it is very different.
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