About Thank Yous

I have noticed something interesting in the last few weeks. Actually, it has probably been longer than that. When we brought our girls home from Ethiopia their manners were *impeccable*. I was astounded how polite they were. Everything and anything you gave them, helped them with, or complimented them on, got a 'Thank you'. Not so now. For a long while there, I thought it was due to the fact that they were being inundated with learning. Everyday there were new things going into their heads and they had enough to do keeping all that straight. So I let it go, but did correct them.

But then a couple weeks ago, I realized that things were not improving. I was reminding them, but they were still extremely sloppy in their manners. To the point of rude. They would be at church and Raine, who is very comfortable around people, would be told how pretty her hair looked, and she would simply not acknowledge the person had even spoken to her. In the early days, she would have been quick to thank the person.

Then in the last week, Ray and I were watching and thinking about this. And we noticed that Raine learns extremely fast. One day I was showing her that we don't say, "Savannah and me," we say, "Savannah and I," and she absorbed it. From that *one* lesson I have never seen her make a grammar error again with regards to the use of 'I' or 'me'. I can't say the same for any of my boys! That is the way she learns: like a sponge.

So then, what was the problem with the manners? We talked about it with them and nothing improved. Then yesterday, a light went on. I think I figured out why they had moved from the camp of 'so grateful' for anything we gave them to 'not even acknowledging: help, compliments, or items'. They have too much! Think about it.

Ever since they have arrived in Canada, they have received what they need or possibly don't need, but would like. They know no hunger, no broken toys, no torn clothes. They know donuts, and cupcakes, and toys galore - birthdays happen nearly monthly in our house. In the months of October - January - we had Raine, Savannah, Cooper, Cassidy, and Briton's birthdays, plus St. Nicholas Day, Christmas Eve with immediate family gifts, Christmas Day with extended family gifts, and Boxing Day with other family!!

That is so much receiving!! I was SO THANKFUL that there would be no more gifts aimed directly at the girl's for another nine months. In the 4 months they had been home they had received so much stuff it wasn't funny.

Now, in the scheme of things - if they had lived here for years, it wouldn't have seemed like a lot. But given, they had never received before, it was an overload!

And now let's look at the other side of the page. The other night, I came home from my Ladies Bible Study and Cooper came downstairs. It was 9:45 so he should have been asleep. He needed a drink of water. I noticed he was wearing the bottom half of an Ethiopian boys outfit. I wondered why. So I asked him. He told me he didn't have any pajamas. (OKAY - BIG DISCLAIMER HERE: He does have pajamas, but he doesn't have six complete sets like the girls each have! And his were probably in the laundry. He has your typical assortment of odd tops and bottoms that happen when you are the sixth child in a line of boys!! LOL! But he does get new jammies at Christmas and they are always a treat.)

Well, I showed him how God knew his needs (even before I did!) and that night a friend had sent home a small bag full of pajama bottoms for a little boy. Two of the pairs were just his size. He was thrilled and grinned so big. Little kids faith is SO BIG if you just show them how God loves them!! He scooted off to bed in his new pajama bottoms.

Then early the next morning, while I was still in my room putting on my makeup, I heard a little tap at my door. "Mummy, can you let me call Jacob's mum to thank her for the pajamas?"

It took me a while to finally get the call in, as I was so busy. But he would not let me forget. He constantly reminded me. That is a grateful heart! And that is the same little boy who wears flowers on his snowsuit *grin*.

So when I realized why the girls were probably not grateful anymore, it made sense. They just (possibly subconsciously) figured that if something breaks - we replace it. If we need something - we buy it. If we want something - we go and get it. Or for instance, cupcakes and muffins and cookies are a regular treat to them. What is regular? For them, they didn't have it before, so having it twice a week is regular. More is even better. For our boys, they are used to healthy snacks - buns and cheese and fruit. So when big brother bakes for them and makes them angel food cake with pink icing, just because it is Valentine's Day, they are so thrilled and show it. Because it is not every day!

It is not a 'problem'. It is simply that the girls have become accustomed to always getting. And that truly is not what life is like in our house. Our kids get presents at Christmas and birthdays - twice a year. They get clothes new for church and hand-me-downs for play. When Gramma brings croissants or baked goodies - it is a squealing even from the little ones.

It was time to show them what real life was like. So I sat down and talked to them about this. Raine clearly understands when I explain things to her. I pointed out that Daddy has one job and eight children and things aren't always new and we are thankful for what we have and we need to express our thanks. She was quick to tell me that Cooper had 'broken' knees in his jeans. Yes, I told her, and some of the sleeves of his playclothes have a little tatter to the edges. (But for all you concerned people - *smile* - they always go to Church and town looking tidy and respectable and with no holes or tatters. But playclothes do NOT get thrown if they get tattered.)

The next day, the kids were outside sledding and there was a discussion about the fact that they only had two sleds left. The other discs had been broken. They have been on that hill for the last 3 months solid! Hours each day. And so the sleds are slowly biting the dust. I thought they had another one, so I told them to go look for. The boys told me it was in the garbage. Well, I had seen them using a 3/4 sled before, so I knew that broken or otherwise, it would still work. I then took this opportunity to tell the girls that we can't just buy more because it is broken. There is not always money when things break, so they have to take care of their things. That was the end of it. I went back in the house and thought nothing more. There were four kids and they were sharing two sleds.

The next thing I see is Cooper snowboarding down the hill on a FOURTH of a sled!!! Talk about creative!! I was so impressed with his snowboarding abilities!! LOL! Dane said we would have to put him in snowboarding next! Soon enough I saw Raine out there crouching down low as she was taking the hill on the 1/4 sled! Good for her! And a little later, I saw them with some old skiis that were on the way to the dump - they were bottom skiing on one ski down the hill. But they were having fun!

I really think that the manners will return now that we have talked, and now that I am pointing out to them that real life in Canada is not about getting, getting, getting. It is about looking after what you have and not necessarily replacing it when it wears out, or down. And it is being grateful when God meets your needs! And Raine has also now had her eyes opened to the fact that they boys don't have all new things. And she shows understanding and appreciation for that fact.

Update: Within 24 hours of talking to the girls I saw an *amazing* turn around!! Every single time they are assisted or given something they are so quick to show appreciation. Simply a smile and thanks.

An interesting side lesson that came from all this was for Dane. He had made a comment a few times about only wanting a couple kids so he could give them what they want and they wouldn't have to go without because of having too many siblings. Me explaining to him that the pleasure that I got buying an old bike and reburishing it for Colt's 5th birthday far surpassed any pleasure I got from buying a new bike at the store, didn't sink in. He didn't 'see it'. It wasn't his lesson.

So this week Dane and I were able to observe the difference in receptive attitudes in children. Don't get me wrong: Raine is a wonderful little girl. It was simply circumstance that took away her grateful heart. It was not her fault *at all*.

But at the same time, he was able to observe Cooper's absolute joy and gratefulness over a new pair of second-hand pajama bottoms versus the girls' lack of response to acts of service directed at them, things given to them, or compliments. Dane tells me he now can see what I was saying before. That there really is more joy in not having everything - because it gives your child beautiful character qualities that they might otherwise not have if they take everything for granted.

And just so there is no misunderstanding here: I am talking about simple manners, not about a child being grateful that we give her food when she might otherwise not have any in Ethiopia. Simple manners that you would expect from any of your children.

Update: (This post was written about 2 weeks ago and scheduled to post today. Since that simple talk I have seen a *huge* improvement. The girls are back to their wonderful manners. And the funny thing is that at first when they began using their manners again, they were *so* enunciated it was weird! LOL!! Like: THANK YOU, Mummy! Done in a very artificial loud way. Soon, they reevolved into simple: Thanks, Mummy. Thank you. Very naturally spoken. It is amazing how every day is a learning experience for all of us!
.