Ungratefulness Again... Or Is It Something Else?

It was interesting at Christmas this year. In our house we don't do a lot of receiving of gifts, though we have eight children. I don't like the grabbiness that gets taught when too many presents are given. I wasn't always this way.

Way back when Colt was three years old we had a party and the backyard was full of about 15 children. That was the beginning of changing my ways. I didn't like the child I was raising opening a gift and then being expected to move onto the next one, because he *had* to open it because someone was waiting to see him receive it. It didn't matter that he might have been thrilled to just sit and enjoy the one he had already opened.

I also didn't like the fact that my children began to look forward to going to their friends parties because of the goodie bags they would receive. That was when I decided to stop giving goodie bags. It had to start somewhere. Some of my friends picked up on the same idea, and our children began going to parties to celebrate their friend and not to receive a gift.

Our children have always given each other gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but when the girls came home and Briton was old enough to want to be involved it became such a zoo. Each child was opening eight gifts from siblings, plus ours, so we decided to change things. They still got our gifts, but we began giving them one gift from all the siblings. The ones that really wanted to do something on their own were welcome to, but I was no longer organizing the gift giving. It sure made things easier and less about 'getting'.

Noone complained. In fact, my 16 and 10 year old both had an opinion on the matter: why do we need to get so many gifts anyway? So now, with a crowd of children in the 10 and under range, things have changed and changed for the better. Christmas is really not all about the gift getting - it is more about family.

This year we did something different and it was a huge hit. Each child gave to one other child. They could buy or make something, or give something that they already owned. You should have seen the faces on the day of this gift giving. We did our family Christmas on January 3rd, because we were away for Christmas.

Cassidy With His Bow and Arrow Set From Dane

Cassidy took great pains to make Cooper a colouring book from pictures he downloaded from the internet. He had done this once before and it was a huge hit with Cooper.


Savannah with her story book from Cooper. She was so excited that she had her own book. She immediately got me to commit to reading as much as I wanted. smile

Look at the expression on Savannah's face! She was so excited to be able to give someone a gift at Christmas. I think that might have been the best part of her Christmas! She kept telling me, I want to give you your present. It's a secret!

Austin With His Plane From Savannah.

Raine and Austin with the book she received from him.

Briton Loved the Cars From Raine

What was interesting was Raine opened her gift and then dropped it on the floor. The other children looked at their gifts, played with them, or asked me to help them with them. I noticed Raine, because this was not the first time she had done something such as this.

On St. Nicholas Day, I had seen her open her gifts and then later, I saw them bagged up in plastic bags that were tied at the top. They were by her bed. I would see her watching her sister and brothers with their puzzles or toys, but I didn't see her using her gifts. I asked her what she thought when she saw her pile of St. Nicholas gifts. She said she didn't need them....

So my analytical mind put that away in a little folder - for the time being. Then I saw how she behaved at Christmas with the gift she had received from her brother. She did something similar at my sister's when she received her present. She had barely opened it - not even out of the wrapper - when she left it to see what someone else had received.

So I was adding all this together and wondering.

Then on Christmas Day (January 3rd), Raine received her two gifts from us. This year I had bought the girls gifts that were the same as each other, but I had bought with Raine in mind. She had been walking through a toy store and had mentioned that she liked Barbie. Now, our children do not watch commercials, so they would only see toys that they like at a friend's house. I don't really like Barbie; said I would never buy Barbie etc, for many reasons. But, when I was walking through the store I saw a Barbie that was a doctor and she came with babies and a hospital! I then saw a Barbie that came as a schoolteacher and one as a playground!

I decided then and there I would buy Barbie for Raine. Savannah lucked out and got the playground Barbie that came with little children. It was the first time that Raine had shown an interest in some specific toy and that was exciting to me.

When Savannah opened her gifts she was delighted, though she had shown no interest in Barbie before. She was just plain excited to be receiving! smile. When she opened her baby doll she was joyous. She squealed with delight and wanted me to open the package right away. She did not let her new toys out of her sight. They were a definite hit.

Raine had a happy expression and then put the toys aside. No interest whatsoever.


I was so surprised because it was just what she wanted: Barbie, plus she wanted to be a doctor (so she says), and it had babies in it. I am not saying she does not appear grateful. She has a big smile and a thank-you, but that is as far as it goes. The toy is put down and not picked up again. Curious!

See the pleasure? But this purse has hung on the side of her bed since she has received it, though we have been out to places where she could have used it...

Over the next couple days I was observing Raine to try to figure out what was ticking in her little brain. I decided to ask her about her attitude towards the gifts she was receiving. Her answer was interesting. It rang as 'ungrateful', but the jury was still out, as I was waiting to see how it all played out. She didn't seem like an ungrateful child, yet, her answer sure sounded it, and her lack of interest in her gifts.

When I asked her, this is what she said, "They are all the same stuff. Just different colour, or shape or size." (she later explained: What she is seeing is that she has Barbie, which are just bigger versions of the Polly Pocket dolls she got for her birthday. The baby doll she got is just a white sleeping version of the two black dolls she already had.)

"So what would you like?"
"Something different."

"Like what?"

She had no clue to this answer.

"Do you think toys are a waste of money?"
"Yes."

"What would you prefer to do?"

"Play outside."

"When it is your birthday would you rather not get a present?"

"No!" (She did want a present, but yet, nothing she has ever been given has seemed to give her more than momentary interest or pleasure.

So now I was further confused. Not interested in presents. All the same stuff. Rather play outside. But still wants a present. How do I find a present that interests her? Hmmm... The mind is still processing.

The day after Christmas Savannah brought me her Barbie box and asked me to open it up for her. When I said yes, she literally jumped up and down and said, "Yes!"

Raine was upstairs at this time. When she heard Savannah, she came downstairs and got out an old puzzle to work on. She was quite happy. After a while, Raine came into the livingroom where Savannah and I were playing.

Yes, I was playing. I was eleven years old again (the age I was when I got my one and only Barbie) and all those wonderful emotions came rolling over me. I decided that I would let the girls have Barbies, we will just go with the modest clothing and keep them dressed! No large breasted naked women laying around the floor in my house! grin

Raine sat on the chair in the room and said to Savannah, "Savannah, can I watch you?" As she watched, she looked at the instruction booklet.


As she said this, she was smiling, and I was noticing. Noticing that she had a box of Barbies up in her room, and I was trying to figure out why she wouldn't be racing upstairs to get them and diving into that to play with it? Why would she want to watch someone else do something that she could actually do?

Savannah and I played for a while, and then I left. Raine stayed in the chair watching Savannah. Her sister began to play act out the people's roles and was having a wonderful, imaginative time. Some time later, Savannah came out and asked me if Raine could play with her Barbie. I asked Savannah if Raine had asked for it. No, she hadn't. I told Savannah that we would wait to see when Raine came and got it herself, because of course, Raine knew her toys were her own and she didn't need to ask permission.

The following day, Savannah played again with her Barbies, and Cooper got involved this time. Raine continued to watch and also, do other things. At some point, Cooper came and asked me if Raine could play with her Barbies. I told him the same thing I had told Savannah: That Raine could play with her Barbies. She could come and get them and we would open them.

So again the play continued, but Raine did not get her Barbies.

It was the next day that Raine came downstairs with her Barbies. Previously, the box had been lying upside down on a table in her room with somethings on top of it. As if she had no interest. She came to me and asked me, "Mum, can I play with my Barbies?" I gave her a big smile and told her that, Yes, she could play with them.

We went into the livingroom and proceeded to open the box. While we were doing this we discussed toys. Over the course of the night before I had come to a conclusion that I think might be the answer to all of this.

I do not think Raine is ungrateful.

I think she does not know how to play.

I really thought this through. Think about it. She said,"They are all the same stuff. Just different colour, or shape or size."

Imagine if someone gave you a book. Yes, it is your first book and therefore, you think it is pretty. Nice! And yes, you say thankyou and you play with it *a bit*, but then you put it on the shelf.

Why?

Because you are blind. Noone knows you are blind. They wonder why you don't like it. Or why you aren't interested. It is a nice book, after all! There are even beautiful pictures in it.

Then someone gives you another book and this time, because you know what it is, your interest is even less. This time you barely open it before you put it aside. You know you can't see the book, but noone else does. You don't mean to be ungrateful, but what good is a book when you can't read it.

Okay, so my figuring are this. Upon a lot of chatting with Raine I have learned a few things. She had never played with a doll until she came to us. She had never made herself a doll out of a piece of wood or a rag. I explained to her that in Little House in the Prairie, even if they were very poor a child would have made a doll from a corn cob. Simply because they wanted to be a 'mummy'.

I have never met a child who has not had a doll or had the desire to play house. It is a foreign concept to me.

Raine then told me that she had never had any real toys until she came to our house. At the orphanage there were stuffed teddies and a few things, but really no toys.

When I was trying to talk to her about the fact that 'normally' little girls love to play with dolls (Yes, I know there are exceptions, so I was being stereotypical, but I was trying to make a point), I asked her, "Would you like it if I gave you a bunch of cars for Christmas?"

She replied, "Yes. I like playing with cars."

laugh!! I told her I expected her to say no, so then I could make my point. But you see, her comment actually proves something else. She has six brothers. She does not have role models for being a little girl and playing naturally with girly toys. Savannah and Raine will play with whatever their brothers play with.

It was dawning on me that this child was old enough to have learned to not play. She had a gap in her development. She had spent about seven years working, but not playing nor imagining. She is ironic coming into my house, as I am the Imagination Queen!! I am so big on that and so my kids barely watch any TV, they get dress-up clothes for their ideas to come to life, etc. So to have a child that is the farthest extreme slipped right by my noticing it!

Where her sister is about three years younger than her, and therefore, grasped the idea of play shortly after she arrived here, Raine has not. She can certainly look busy and keep herself occupied, but she has not ever really sat down and played for any period of time.

So when she got the wonderful Polly Pockets that I thought she would love, they kept her interest for minutes. Why? Because *what do you do* with little people, clothes, and cars? You dress them. You sit them in the car. You drive the car. And then you are done.

Where is the choosing what they should wear? Where is the walking and talking, as they get into the car? Where are the different places they might decide to drive to? Where is the shopping that they put into the car?

Where? In the imagination.

And if you have not had the opportunity to work your imagination, then you have a developmental gap, and all you see is more of the same types of toys, that you have no clue what to do with!

Raine and I talked about the doctor Barbie, and I told her why I had bought it for her. I told her I was going to show her how to use her imagination. The babies could be in a hospital because they were sick, or they could have been born, or perhaps it was an orphanage, or maybe they were lost. What did she want them to be?

She thought about it and decided it would be an orphanage. We talked and talked and tried out different ideas, and she was quickly able to see how curious but fun it was to use an imagination.

At one point, I came back in the room and she had two dolls lying on their faces. She told me the bigger one had found the little one and was looking after her. We had a little laugh together at the fact that they were lying on their faces. I then played with her and showed her how we can make the characters be as real as we want. I had the little girl cry and talk to the woman and tell her she was lost, and the woman hugged the girl and then they both sat down together on the ground, while waiting for the woman's friend to come. Raine laughed to see how different her people behaved than mine did.

Learning to Play

Later, she called me back into the room to show me what she had done with the people. She told me decisions she had had them make, and things she was doing. She had decided that Savannah's Barbies would be part of her orphanage. Certain Barbies would look after the older children and others would look after the babies. I could see that she was really playacting out the characters.

Over the next few days at every moment that they were free I would see Savannah and Raine playing together with the Barbies. Once I heard Savannah giggle as she put the woman on the slide in her playground. Now, Raine would not have dreamed of doing that. Women don't normally go down slides, so it wouldn't have crossed her mind that you could *do* that.

This is what Raine has told me today (10 days later) when I asked her on a score of 1-10 what were the Barbies:

"10. I love playing with the Barbies. I always play with them. They are my favourite toy now. I really like playing with the babies."

And this is how she had nicely set it up. See the babies in their beds, and the doctor is looking after three dogs. Before, she would have left just one dog on each girls wrist because that is how they came. Here she has decided *she* wants to do it differently.

I can see that we are going to have to spend more time imagining and playing and discussing options in play.
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