Over-Analyzing Adopted Children (or Bio!)

There has been recent discussion in the adoption word about over-analyzing behaviours in the adopted children. I am famous for that. But then, I am famous for that in my bio-children! Yes, at first when the girls came home I saw every little issue as a mountain, because who knows what is behind the behaviour and if I don't deal with it, what will it turn into?' So I tended and still tend to deal with things the minute they arise.

My theory is that I do not want to let something slide through that I will regret later and then have to reparent them later on. For instance, if a child disobeyed me, I would deal with it. I could cut slack because they are adopted, but why is that any different than cutting slack because my child has Down Syndrome or has a learning disability? A child that disobeys needs correction.No matter who the child is or where they have come from. If I was to let it go because 'they are adopted' then I know that later, when they are 'comfortably settled in', I would be readdressing this issue and dealing out consequences. Is that fair to the child?

I do not believe so. I deal with an issue when it arises because I believe the child needs to feel the security of knowing that there are boundaries and they are treated equally to our bio-children. I have seen the results of this. The girls are secure and know what is expected of them. There will be no back-tracking behaviours in our house, because nothing has changed since they arrived. My expectations have always been the same. And yes, it might seem that things were a little strict in the beginning because of this.

So because of having this attitude, I was/am an overanalyzer - but that is my personality type! *smile* And we do not know what our children have come from and what baggage they bring. And yes, this might colour how they behave.

I think that because I have raised my other children from birth I know them better. I know how much slack I can cut them, because I know it is a momentary issue that we are dealing with, or I know it is a real heart issue - such as lying - that I will *not* cut slack on, because that particular child might have a history of that. And so I will handle the situations according to who this child is and what I know of their heart.

With our adopted children it is different. We do not know their hearts. We have not raised them from babyhood. We are not aware if something is a minor sin or if it is a deep-rooted heart issue that they have dealt with for years! And because of this, we approach each situation as an unknown and simply parent it the way we would with a child that was born to us. As I correct one of our girls, I am open to the idea that perhaps there is more to the picture than meets the eye, but that is where being open-minded and being willing to learn and change comes in. It is a constant evolution, as I always say! But as a rule, I parent them with the exact expectations I have for our boys.

Recently, though, when I was struggling with expecting the same cooperation and behaviours from Savannah, as Raine, I had an inspiration. I give God the credit because I was praying for the girls and really wanted what was best for them. Think about if you have two birth children. You have probably delivered these two babies a year or two apart. Therefore, your expectations are different. Obviously, one is a year advanced on the second.

I was struggling because I had brought these two children into my home the same day, but things weren't progressing as I 'expected'. To be honest, one child was performing wonderfully, and one was a lot more work. It wasn't that she was mean, nasty, or any such thing. It was simply that she required so much more teaching and guidance in getting things done, getting her motivated, having her understand what I was saying, speaking very delayed English, not doing her chores neatly, quickly, or willingly.

While at the same time, her sister was quick to do her work, did it neatly, was always willing to help out, speaks and understands 95% of what I say, and acts like she has been in Canada 6 months longer than her sister!

As a parent, I was finding it frustrating at times. I know it is not the girls' fault; it is my expectations! I really believe the girls are only 12 months apart in age. Savannah surprised us the other day by losing her first tooth, a week behind her older sister. And then, while I was brushing Savannah's teeth the other day, I discovered that she has three of her six year molars! There goes the four year old theory!! *laugh* Developmentally, Savannah is about 4-5 years old, while Raine is about 6-7 years. This just goes to show you that age, teeth, size mean *nothing*!!!!

So as I was saying, in my frustrated moments, I was praying for understanding and patience of this child. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. I knew I had a book that talked about Personality Types. I ran looking for it and it really inspired me with what I discovered. After re-reading this book, (which I had read years ago, but not even thought of in regard to our adopted children) I really believe that personality has a lot to do with how these children respond, and it is not all adoption related!!

First, I shall show how these personality types work for those that don't know:

Have you heard about the 'Personality Types'? There are various ways of explaining them. I have written the different choices in the same order for each set:

Powerful, Popular, Peaceful, Perfect.

Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, Beaver.

Dominant, Influential, Steady, Conscientious.

Choleric, Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Melancholy

The book that I have reading on this topic uses the terms: Choleric - the Powerful Personality (red hot like a fire); Sanguine - the Popular Personality (bright yellow like the sun); Phlegmatic - the Peaceful Personality (cool green like the grass); Melancholy - the Perfect Personality (deep blue like the ocean).

This book discusses the personalities in depth and this is some of the character traits from each person:

Choleric - the Powerful Personality

The Extrovert / The Leader

Child

STRENGTHS

Daring and eager

Productive worker

Sees the goal

Moves quickly

Self-sufficient

Competitive

Assertive

Trustworthy

WEAKNESSES
Manipulative

Temper-tantrums

Constantly going

Insistent

Testing

Arguing

Stubborn

Teen

STRENGTHS

Aggressive

Competent

Organizes well

Assumes leadership

Problem solver

Self-confident

Stimulates others

Excels in emergencies

Great potential

Responsible

WEAKNESSES

Too bossy

Controls parents

Knows everything

Looks down on dummies

Unpopular

May be a loner

Insulting

Judgemental

Unrepentant

Emotional Needs: appreciation for all achievements, opportunity for leadership, participation in family decisions, something to control: own room, garage, backyard, dog

Avoids: rest, boredom, playing games he can't win

I have only one child that fits in this category - my oldest. When he was a small child, I would say that he was 'a man in a boy's body' because he loved man's work. This boy was helping put on a very shallow roof at age 6 (tied on with a rope). I have pictures of his working with his daddy at 7 years of age, filling our basement with sand, because we had a leak. He worked side by side happily with his dad all day long. He would work in any type of weather, just so he could work like a man with his dad. I also always said he was 'goal-driven'. He is the boy that worked his way through learning disabilities up to the point where he is in charge of his Cadet corp. This was a major accomplishment and last year he took home five trophies at the year end! Any problem you have - this boy can solve. The more complicated the better! And every one of the strengths on that list are his!

On the other hand, he is also the child/young adult that caused me the most grief and stress with the negative sides. He is a fabulous leader, but he needs to hone his skills, so that he learns to lead his brothers in an honouring way. When he was a small child, I said that God would do great things with Colt, and I firmly believe this. He excels in anything he does, no matter how difficult it is for him, and every adult that knows my son thinks highly of him. As difficult as it is at times to raise a leader, I am intensely proud of who this boy is!

Sanguine - the Popular Personality

The Extrovert / The Talker

Child

STRENGTHS

Daring and eager

Innocent

Inventive and imaginative

Cheerful

Enthusiastic

Fun-loving

Chatters constantly

Bounces back

Energized by people

WEAKNESSES

No follow through

Disorganized

Easily distracted

Short interest span

Emotional ups and downs

Wants credit

Tells fibs

Forgetful

Teen

STRENGTHS

Cheerleader

Charms others

Gets daring

Joins clubs

Popular

Life of the party

Creative

Wants to please

Apologetic

WEAKNESSES

Deceptive

Creative excuses

Easily led astray

Craves attention

Needs peer approval

Con-artist

Won't study

Immature

Gossips

Emotional needs: attention, approval, affection, acceptance, presence of other people and activity

Avoids: dull tasks, routines, criticism, details, lofty goals

Like an otter, a child in this category tends to be very playful, but when annoyed by someone they can strike out with their little paws. But then, when all is said and done, they quickly forget and get back to playing happily with the other person. When Savannah came home it didn't take long for me to say to Dane, "She is so genetically your sister!"

When Dane was 13 years old and 7 year old Austin was annoying him, I suddenly had an epiphany one day. I said, "Dane! Austin is your twin!! He is exactly like you were when you were little!" At this, Dane's annoyance in his little brother turned to pride. Here was a boy 'just like him'! He had to be wonderful!! LOL!!

Well, like Dane and Austin, Savannah is an Otter. When I read this book to Ray, I read each of the weaknesses (the things that were frustrating me) out and was thrilled to realize there was a reason she as: disorganized, easily distracted, had a short attention span, forgetful, and had no follow through. It was because, at the same time as having those weaknesses, she has these strengths: she is happy, loving, forgiving, cheerful, enthusiastic, fun-loving, and goofy.

My Otter boy Dane, doesn't have 'lofty goals' like his big brother does. He wants to enjoy life and not struggle hard through it. He wants to have fun and be Peter Pan. I remember when he was about ten years old, I was sad thinking of losing my Sunshine Boy. He always made me laugh. I would chase him through the house and tackle him and we laughed a lot. He was fun to tease and he never held a grudge. It almost made me cry to think that such a sunny personality was going to go through puberty and become a man and I would lose that happy sunshine and laughter.

Well, God is good, and little did I know at that time, that my 4 year old Austin, was going to be another Otter. I am so happy to have him! He keeps us going with his silly personality, his need for attention, and his beautiful, loving, sweet, endearing personality. He is my encourager: "Mummy, you look beautiful." Even when I am in my pajamas. He doesn't see the mess. He sees what his heart sees. He is my boy with a love of God, and he will tell anyone that listens that God loves them.

Savannah is just like these two boys. She has a flightly, distracted little spirit. A little girl that will take 20 minutes to make her bed, when she could make it in five. But a loving little girl, that when she is sitting on time-out will call to me, "Mummy, I love you so much." She wears her heart on her sleeve and is quick to laugh or cry. And like Dane and Austin, she will strike out like a little otter when someone does something she doesn't like.

So now I have three Otters in my house and I am glad, as it keeps things fun and moving!

PHLEGMATIC - the Peaceful Personality

The Introvert / The Follower

Child

STRENGTHS

Watches others

Easily amused

Little trouble

Dependable

Lovable

Agreeable

WEAKNESSES

Selfish

Teasing

Avoids work

Fearful

Quietly stubborn

Lazy

Retreats to TV

Teen

STRENGTHS

Pleasing personality

Witty

Good listener

Mediates problems

Hides emotions

Leads when pushed

Casual attitude

WEAKNESSES

Quietly stubborn

Indecisive

Unenthusiastic

Too compromising

Unmotivated

Sarcastic

Uninvolved

Procrastinates

Emotional needs: peace and relaxation, attention, praise, self-worth, loving motivation

Avoids: conflicts, confrontation, initiative, decisions, extra work, responsibility, tension, quarrels

I have two little boys that fit in this category and I am *so happy*!!! I always knew that my two littlest boys were sweet and loving and easy to raise, but I had not read this book and charted them before. At the same time, when I was charting the girls, I realized that my husband is so totally this category too!! No wonder his mother said he was such an easy child! And each and every one of these characteristics, both strengths and weaknesses, are my husband!! It makes it so much easier to understand why things are a certain way!

Cooper and Briton are the most loving and sweet children. Both of these children are blessed with such repentant little spirits! The second that they do wrong, they will come to me and remorsefully say to me, "Mummy, I'm sorry." And they mean it. If I correct Cooper for being bossy, big tears well up in his eyes, because he doesn't intend to be bossy. He is just helping someone to do something. And you have read about Briton on my posts. He is just plain adorable. Sorry. The truth must be spoken. *smile*

I do notice though, that he tends to disappear when there is work to be done. Either that or he 'helps' undo the efforts and often I hear Raine calling, "Mum, can you come and get Briton. He is taking out the toys I have put away." When I come upstairs and say, "Briton, have you been bugging Raine?" He turns to her and with big, puppy dog eyes he says, "Wohry, MEsigh," and gives her a big hug.

God surely blessed me when he gave me two Peace loving children in my last set of four!

MELANCHOLY - the Perfect Personality

The Introvert / The Thinker

Child

STRENGTHS

Thinks deeply

Talented

Musical

Fantasizes

True friend

Perfectionist

Intense

Dutiful and responsible

WEAKNESSES

Moody

Whines

Self-conscious

Too sensitive

Hears negatives

Avoids criticism

Sees problems

Won't communicate

Teen

STRENGTHS

Good student

Creative - likes research

Organized and purposeful

High standards

Conscientious and on time

Neat and orderly

Sensitive to others

Sweet spirit

Thrifty

WEAKNESSES

Depressed and withdrawn

Inferiority complex

Inflexible

Suspicious of people

Critical

Negative attitude

Poor self-image

Revengeful

Needs approval

Emotional needs: sensitivity to deep desires, satisfaction from quality achievement, space to call his own, security and stability, separation from noisy, messy siblings, support from parents: "I believe in you."

Avoids: noise, confusion, trivial pursuits, being "jollied"

I have two children that fit into this category: Cassidy and Raine. It all makes sense now! Cassidy has always been a thinker. My mother has always said that he learns through osmosis. He just learns things easily. He is the boy that at age eight was putting together a birthday party for me, complete with balloons, streams, cake, everything he needed. He has been making birthday cakes around here for years. He is a great student - a boy that is a pleasure to teach. He does his work without being nagged.

These lists of characteristics is so in line with how she behaves. I always say that Raine does not have a mean bone in her body. She has a sweet spirit and is very sensitive to other people's feelings. It explains why we struggle with her refusing to communicate at times, or sometimes to make right when she has done wrong.

We also see that she is the one to take time to formulate thoughts, while her sister is so quick to speak. Though her English is 10x better than her sister, she will respond to a thought-provoking question well after her sister has already answered in her broken English.

Raine is an extremely dutiful child: she knows her responsibilities and does them. She doesn't complain when she has to get up early to empty the dishwasher, or has to stop playing because it is time to fold laundry. Her sister, on the other hand, will complain at these things. Raine is the one that when we picked her up was reserved and thoughtful and seems self-conscious.

So how much is adoption related, and how much is simply the personality that God put into them?

I have realized that Raine being a First-Born needs to keep this status. I have told her that she has the privilege of being the firstborn in the younger set of children in our home. When they are outside playing there are four of them, plus Austin. In all honestly, she may be older than Cooper, but we keep her legal age, which makes her younger than him. I have explained to her that God put her as first born in her family in Ethiopia, because he knew she was responsible and a good leader and a fine example to her sister.

I then explained to her that though Cooper is older that her (legally by 9 months), that in actuality, he is a 5th born child, which makes him one of the youngest children in the family. I told her that I thought it was important for her to keep the leadership role that God had given her by putting her as first born in Ethiopia. And I asked her to be a helper while outside playing with the children.

I think it is important to recognize that she is a firstborn and give her responsibilities to match who she is. The difference in personality between her and Cooper is unbelievable. He adores her and they are so sweet together, but at the same time, she is so much more responsible and 'older' than he is.

And Savannah..... Well, she is the indulged younger child. A word-picture of Savannah:

While folding laundry one day:

"Mum, I want go Ethiopia."

I reply (thinking this might be a profound moment), "Why Savannah?"

"In Ethiopia I not work. Here I allllllwayyys fold laundry. And pick up toys when on floor."

Ha ha!

So then I told her that she was a baby in Ethiopia and here she was a big girl. I told her that if she didn't want to work then she could be a baby here: she would have to wear a diaper, lay in her bed and then she could have no work.

She laughed and said, "I work. Me big."

Funny girl! So in character!

And then there is Raine. One day, I had told the kids to bring the pop cans from the sports court. They had taken them there and set up a store. There was a mess and they had to put all the cans in the boxes. I look out the window and what do I see? Raine, all by herself, carrying all six boxes to the house. Where were the boys? On the sports courts, but not moving yet.

Raine - Miss Dutiful and Responsible.

I will continue to over-analyze because I am a parent and that is who I am. And I also want to have well-behaved children! But I will always be willing to try new methods if I am alerted to something from the girls or from a friend in the adoption world, who has some wisdom to share. It is a new day every day and there is so much to learn!

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