The Hardest Thing

This last week has been the toughest one in my parenting life. I knew this day was coming. I have known it for the last few years. Actually, I suppose I have known it since he was born.

But really, it was not until this last year that it has been creeping up on me in such a way that I knew I couldn't get away from it.

My firstborn son is leaving.

My heart is breaking.

When he went to Vernon last summer for six weeks, it caused me to cry at the airport. Me, who rarely ever shows emotion. I was surprised at myself. I think I knew our time together was getting short. Then this summer, he went to Ontario for five weeks. I knew that the end was near, but this time I held strong. While he was gone, I loved our chats on the phone, and it was fine. Fine, because I knew he was coming home again.

But when he came home from Ontario, I began getting emotional. It didn't take much. Just thinking of him leaving the nest was enough to draw tears. Then thankfully, he began working for his dad again, and for the last four weeks he has been hanging out, and I took it for granted he would be here for a while.

Then boom! The news dropped.

Last week, he told me he would be leaving for Vancouver, this Thursday (tomorrow). But worse than just leaving, he was planning on enlisting in the army. I know I said I was strong for this and trusting the Lord, but wait til it actually happens. I still trust the Lord, but it doesn't make it very much easier to say goodbye!

Your firstborn baby boy tells you he is leaving home. It is not as simple as thinking of all the good things he is about to do, and that you have prepared him for this day. It is so much more.

It is about all the things you think about: no more cooking him dinner, no more seeing him popping into the house, no more being there for him on a daily basis, no more spontaneous chats. Wishing I had spent more time sitting around gabbing with him about things that mattered to him. Knowing I had wasted so much time, being busy.

Now it is about seeing him when he wants to come home - if he can come home. This might seem trite, but trust me, until you have been here, you will *not* understand. I thought it would be fine. Easy shmeasy. Hey, it's all part of growing up right? Right. Wrong! It is hard. So hard.

This last few days I have dissolved into tears so many times. At the drop of a hat. At the thought of his last meal. Seeing him do laundry and knowing it wouldn't happen anymore. Watching him pack his car.

His Loaded Car

I cannot believe the weeping mess I have been.

But I love my son. He is an amazing young man. He has overcome so many hurdles in life. Each challenge he has turned into a triumph and I am so proud of him.

He is now the baby bird perched on the edge of the nest, and yes, he is about to raise up his strong young wings, and then plunge from the nest and soar out there into the world. And he will do well. He is prepared for this. This is something that I have been preparing him for for the last eighteen years.

And the 'sick' irony of it is what I have passed on to him! *weak smile*

I had/have a heart for adventure. I have raised my boys hearing me rave about my wonderful adventures backpacking solo around Europe and Mexico, and working in Banff, Alberta, for a year. Plus, of course, my exciting Road Trips!

Well, wouldn't you know. I have inspired my son to do the same sort of thing! I should be pleased. And yes, honestly, I am very pleased. Gee, if I, a 19 year old girl, could take on the world, then I guess an 18 year old guy can do the same thing. I seriously don't know how my parents survived me doing it though! *smile*

Colt's plans are not exactly the kind that would make a mother feel reassured. *smile* What would I like? Well, I guess if he told me he was going to get a regular job or go to college, get an apartment and a car, then I would feel satisfied. It would feel safe. Right?

It didn't actually turn out that way and I am partly to blame. *grin* See, Colt has been such an exceptional young man his whole life. Even when he was six years old, I would say he was a man in a boy's body. He had such a mind for working like a man. And he had integrity, loyalty, honestly, responsibility - and many other excellent character traits. Yes, I will admit, he also tried me sorely. He is a born leader and that is why he makes such an amazing RSM at his cadet corp! School was always so hard for him, but he attacked it and graduated with an 81% average!

So, when he began talking of going into the army and taking his Bachelors Degree, I suggested he take a year off and have some fun. He has been working in construction part time, and in later years, full time, since he was twelve years old. I felt it was time he simply relaxed and had some fun, while learning to live on his own.

So my suggestion to him was to apply to the Banff Springs Hotel, the hotel I worked at when I was nineteen years old.

Me, as a Night Maid at the Banff Springs

He loved the idea. Dane and the little boys and I, stopped in at the hotel when we were travelling through the area last year. Dane thought it looked like a fabulous place to work.

But Colt did not put in his application weeks ago when he should have. He didn't put it in until two nights ago when he and I sat up til 12:30 am finishing his cover letter and resume and uploading it to the site. They say that you can expect to hear from them in 2-3 weeks. Well, that is a little late, since he is leaving for Banff tomorrow (3 days later!).

So where is he going? Well, he bought a new car. A cute little car. I would love to see him driving a safe tank, *grin*, but this little matchbox car is what he bought. And on top of that, he didn't even drive standard until this week, when he bought the car.


He is heading to Banff, with no job lined up, planning on having a road trip. Where you ask is he intending on sleeping? In his car. And no, his car is not very big. But hey, that is what makes it an adventure, doncha know?

Testing Out the Trunk Room

Note to self: lay off the exciting stories of my adventurous youth!! *grin*

Austin (10) is already talking about how excited he is about when he can leave for his 'adventure'. At least, Colt has chosen my youth of travelling and not partying, instead!!

Tomorrow morning at 3:00 am (he had to choose 3:00 am, just so I had one more thing to think about), he heads out on his first long road trip. Up to this time, he has only driven the most of an hour.

Repeat to Self: He will be fine. He will be fine.

My prayer is that God will show Colt favour, and he will get the job he has applied for in Banff and he does not have to sleep in his car for many days! He made a point of getting his hair cut yesterday, so he would look professional when he applied for work. I wonder if he has forgotten that you can't shower in a car? *grin*

I am truly excited for Colt and know that this is simply a transition that I have to go through. I *will* get through it. *smile* But my kids have lately had a real good lesson in showing your emotions!! They are not used to seeing me show tears of any sort, so it has been good for them to see that Mummies have feelings too!

We had lots of fun tonight with last minute preparations for Colt's departure. I made Colt lasagne as that is a dinner he really enjoys. The children made goodbye cards for him and prepared gift ideas. And then before dinner, we took a bunch of pictures of the kids together. They had a lot of fun and it was a nice, memorable, non-emotional way to send him off.

My Two Biggest Boys.... Now

... And Now

Biggest and Littlest Sons

My Boy

Do you think that Briton knows that he is an important member of the family? *grin* He is such a ham. While the other children were obediently getting ready for bed, or watching us take some last minute Mum, Dad, Colt pictures Briton kept us company. He knows he is the apple of Colt (and everyone else's) eye! Click on the picture to see his hammy face! :o)

Each of the children have had a chance to go for a drive in Colt's car this week. Colt came into the house tonight before dinner, and told me he would be taking Dane and Cassidy out to Tim Horton's this night, after they had dropped in at the Youth Group. He then went on to tell me that he had taken his brothers for donuts different times in the week when he was chauffering them around in his new car. He was quite pleased with himself, knowing that he had been such a good brother, making time for each child to have a ride in his car.

I then pointed silently at Austin, who was washing dishes. Because you see, Colt had missed one child. Colt laughed and shook his head, and then proceeded to ask Austin if he wanted to go to town to get a donut. Of course, Austin was thrilled.


Colt had bought his car just last week, and we had paid the insurance because he had not got enough money with him. He was going to pay us back, so it was a nice surprise tonight to find it written in his card that his car insurance bill was cancelled.



Dane then gave Colt $50 for a tank of gas - and Dane doesn't work that often, so that was a huge gesture on his part.



And Cassidy gave Colt a Tim Horton's card with $25 loaded on it, so he can have food when he gets hungry.


He also attached a picture of himself, Colt, and Dane from many years ago. They were covered in paint and acting like monkeys.

Just Like Boys

The littles all signed the cards and at the last minute ran and got photos to give Colt.


This was rather humourous because we had all put a photo of Colt in his cards. Austin walks in with three pictures of himself at various ages, so that Colt wouldn't forget him! *big grin*


Cooper was as pleased as punch at Colt's reaction to the picture he found to give Colt - a picture of Colt holding a great big toad! *grin* Colt had great memories of that frog incident!

Colt, Frog, Dane, Cassidy

As we ate Colt's favourite dinner (lasagne) each person prayed one thing for Colt's life while he was gone.


It was so sweet to hear the prayers that were laid at God's feet for Colt's care:

Austin - He wouldn't get in a car accident.
Raine - Thank you that Colt is here for dinner with us before he goes.
Cassidy - God would keep Colt safe.
Briton - Not to hit a guy's car.
Mum - That Colt would find favour and get the job he wants.
Cooper - That Colt would not get lost.
Dane - He would find a church and a youth group.
Ray - Colt would be safe, and no texting while driving.
Savannah - That he would not crash.



After dinner each person gave Colt a piece of advice:

Briton: Don't miss package time. (birthdays)
Ray: Save some gas money to come home for Christmas/ Don't sleep in your car.
(we all had a laugh at this one, since those are his plans.)
Dane: My advice is make friends while you're down there.
Cooper: Not to drink while you're driving or eat while you're driving. Don't drink alcohol. Don't start the habit.
Austin: Don't get the wrong group that starts you going to bars.
Mum: No cell phones while driving, and come home.
Raine: To go to Church on Sundays.
Savannah: Don't crash some peoples you're driving when you're not looking at somebody.
Cassidy: Listen to mum's advice.

At the end of the night, after dinner was done, gifting giving was finished, I realized that Briton had not had a ride in Colt's car. Colt buckled him in and took him for a spin around the block. He thought he was going for a 'done dut' (donut), but was quickly satisfied to discover that though he wasn't going with the big boys, he would be going for a ride. With a big grin he settled in as Colt buckled him in beside his big brother.


When they came back from their quick drive, he jumped out happily, and he and Cooper headed off to bed, while Dane, Colt, and Cassidy took off for a last few minutes together.




They stopped in at the Youth Group where Colt said his goodbyes and they prayed for him, and then the boys went out for a hot chocolate and some guy talk.

The night was not over when they came home, as Colt still had a room to finish packing and last minute things to prepare.

I have to say that things did improve for me, as the evening progressed. I text messaged a friend and told her I would not be coming to her house tonight for our Ladies Bible Study as it was Colt's last day. I asked her to pray for Colt, and also for me. I was so blessed by her text message response. Yes, it made me cry again, *smile*, but it was a beautiful message that I already *knew*, but it helped to be reminded!

Okay, he will be fine. God will be with him. :o) You will really start to appreciate them more when they just come home for visits! Trust me, I know! *lol* But I hear you. The first is hard, but this is what you trained him for... To fly. Now stand back and enjoy watching his solo flight. You should be proud. Some children never get their wings! You did a great job. Cheer as he takes off and flies. Your cheers help him lift off faster and higher.

And later that evening, I could tell my friends had prayed. My heart was at peace, even as my son came and went with last minute packing, and as we had our final chats, and as I gave him a hug goodnight. We both knew that I would probably wake in the morning to wave him off, but I could tell that my heart was at rest and that God had me covered.

Like the piece of a song I claimed at church on Sunday says: I will find my strength in the shadow of your wing.

Yes, God will take care of my son, and he will do fine things in this world, and I will recover *grin*. Thank goodness, I have all these precious children to love!! God is certainly very good to us in His blessing us with our family!

BTW, the children have also had a big of a hard time. There have been downcast faces and comments about missing Colt. Dane, tonight, said that he wasn't quite accepting that Colt was leaving yet, because he was okay with it, but he knew that he really cared. I told him I figured his heart was being protected from the pain, as those two boys are very close.

Dane Chatting With Colt One Last Time

I am certain that as Colt drives away to his Big Adventure that he will know that he is loved and has a family at home cheering him on!

3:30 am and On His Way

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