Testing Boundaries

We have been very fortunate - an inadequate word really - with how well behaved and trainable the girls are. There have been 'moments' of disobedience, when you know they understand but choose to push the limits. These have been mild and few and far between.

Yesterday, was a different type of day. Perhaps a day of beginning to feel more comfortable? All in all, even with pushing the limits, I feel that it was progress.

Gadisae learned the hard way that to Obey is to be Happy, and to Not Obey is to be Sad. There were three incidents, one after the other, where she chose to do the opposite to what she was told. Up to this point, the grace has been extended during these times. I have explained and given a break where our boys would not have been given that grace.

So last night, we had a little talk. After the third direct disobedience Gadisae was in her room talking to me, while Mesai was given the privilege of watching the much covetted and promised movie, after dinner and baths.

I am not sure how much Gadisae gets - it is certainly less than Mesai. But I do know that when I tell things in simple words and short sentences that she does understand. So then I know when she has chosen to *not* listen.

After Mesai was sent to watch TV, after doing as she was asked, I sat down and talked to Gadisae. First, I clarified that she knew where she had gone wrong. I followed this with: Mesai listen. Mesai obey. Mesai watch TV. Mesai happy. Gadisae not listen. Gadisae not obey. Gadisae not watch TV. Gadisae not happy.

She looked at me solemnly, but I could see that she was understanding that to Obey brings reward - good feelings, happy heart etc., while to Not Obey brings - consequences and subsequently a sad heart.

When I asked her, "What do you say?" She replied immediately, "Sorry," to which I replied, "I forgive you," and gave her a big hug and cuddle. I was surprised that she knew what to say when I asked: What do you say? I expected to take that moment to teach her. But I guess we had been over this before and it had sunk in.

My other new thing was a little situation that happened with Mesai. I am not really sure if she was joking, but I tend to think she was testing me. It is quite humourous actually. Not that I could show her I thought so.

The night before, there had been a mild incident at bathtime. I had asked Mesai to get out of the tub, and she had said, "Nooo. Gadisae." I told her that I wanted her, not Gadisae. Out she got, but she had 'that look' on her face. The one that says: I am not happy. I snapped her out of it pretty quickly by bugging her about Miss Pout.

Then the next day, it was after naptime, and I had gotten the girls up. Gadisae can't make her bed well; Mesai does a perfect job of it. I quickly folded Gadisae's bed (and yes, she is being trained to make her bed, but I cut her some slack, to cut myself some slack in the training department). As I left the room, I said to Mesai, "Mesai make your bed," because she was following me without making her bed.

She stopped and sort of smiled and said, "You." At first, I thought she was joking. So I joked back, "Uh, not likely. You make your bed."

Now she tipped her head and said firmly this time, "YOU."

"No, Mesai. You make your bed. Mummy is not going to make your bed."

"You. Gadisae."

Yes, I had made Gadisae's bed.

"You are a big girl. Gadisae is a little girl." The difference in their capabilities is huge.

"No." Shaking her head. "YOU."

This was when I introduced the word "Attitude". I told her that the way she was talking was 'an attitude'. I mimicked her tone and said, "Attitude." I explained she needed to speak nicely and not have an attitude. I only ever use the word attitude for negative, so she wouldn't get confused by my use of the word.

"Mesai, you don't tell Mummy what to do. You need to make your bed. Say: Yes, Mummy."

Often times, by *saying* the obedience first, the actions follow - even if not too happily.

She looked at me for a moment with that deadpan look, which I have learned is her pout, probably weighing up the situation, and I wondered if we were at a stand-off - and what I would do if she refused. This was not a child I had birthed and raised, who knew my expectations.

And then very quietly, "Yes, Mummy." I gave her a hug and thanked her, and she turned and quickly went and made her bed. The situation was quickly forgotten and she joined her brothers and sisters in happy play.

For those concerned: I do help her. I help her alot. I believe that by taking some of her independence away from her is good. She needs to know that I will be there for her. That I can be depended on. That she can be a 'little girl' and not have to take care of her sister. And that someone will take care of her.

This was different - it might have been about 'take care of me' - but I don't tend to think so, as I do so much for her - more than I do for my three and five year olds. I think this was about 'if I say this, what will happen.' I did not want to disappoint her.

Each day, we are learning more about each other. Most days the girls learn very well vicariously through their brothers, but today was a day where I guess they wanted to see just what was acceptable.

And at the end of the day, even minutes after these situations were over, they were happy. They had tested the boundaries. They had felt the love and security that followed, and they knew that they were okay. Each and every time they get talked to, I tell them enwodenshallow (sp) - I love you. Just like my boys - give a consequence or a talk, but follow it with reassurances that they are loved, no matter what they have done.

They also learned four new words today: Consequence, Attitude, Obey, Not Obey (easier to get than Disobey, at this early language stage).
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