Two Countries, Two Mums, and Two Dads

About a week ago, I decided that I would open the topic of Mesai's Enat with her. We had had the girls for 5 weeks, and they had not been raised by their Enat for pretty much a year, but I knew Mesai remembered her. I knew the girls had been advised to 'move forward' and that Canada was a new start. (This was not our advice.)

But to me, in my thinking, moving forward and making Canada and her new family the only way, was not the best thing for her. The girls need their roots and they need pride in both their countries.

Last week, when I brought this topic up to her I pulled her onto my lap and asked her questions, knowing I could be met with answers that I was not prepared to handle. I felt it was necessary, so I moved forward.

"Mesai, do you miss, Sintayehu? Your Enat?" She thought for a minute and then acknowledged that she did. I hugged her and told her that it was a good thing that she missed her. I know of a number of children who have been advised by people to not miss things and therefore it is not unusual for them to not admit their love and loss. I was pleased to see that she felt open to sharing this with me.

I then asked if she loved her Enat, and when she replied that, Yes, she did, I told her that her Enat loved her, too, and missed her too, but she knew she was happy in Canada.

"I am happy that you talked to me. I want you to always be able to talk to me about your Enat. We are all a family, and now you have 'two mums'. Two mums love you."

Her smile told me that she was happy with our conversation. I felt good about the fact that the topic was now on the table. I remember in the first days thinking that I would open up a topic that would cause her real grief. As time went on though, and I heard more from other families, I just felt that to show her that she could talk about her past was so important that I needed to take that chance.

Tonight, I opened the topic again. Mesai has shown herself to want to be Canadian and forget Ethiopia. I do not want this to happen. Apparently, this is common of adopted children. Thankfully, we have friends who have Ethiopian contacts, so we can use these contacts and create a relationship with our girls with their friends.

I was out for our first walk around the block today with all the younger ones, plus Cassidy, my helper.



On the way back I made a comment to Mesai about how nice it was in Canada. She had clearly loved our walk and it was her first jaunt off the property. She announced that Canada was nice. When Austin asked her about Ethiopia, Is Ethiopia nice? She responded, No.

I knew we needed to talk. So when I put her to bed tonight, I had a little chat. I love the quiet times, like bed and bath, cause then I can chat. With her being so sharp I know there are key words that I can use that will get through to her, and then we kind of creep forward with trying to understand each other. It is slow, but oh, so rewarding!! Little tiny insights.

As I tucked her into bed I said, "Mesai, you are from Ethiopia. That is a wonderful country! Daddy and I love Ethiopia. In Ethiopia there are nice people. Kind people. Loving people. It is a beautiful country. We love Ethiopia. You should be proud to be from Ethiopia.

You are from Canada, too! You are a lucky girl. You have TWO countries! Gadisae is from Ethiopia, and she is from Canada. She has two countries. You are lucky girls!

Briton is from Canada. Cooper is from Canada. They only have ONE country. You have TWO countries. You are lucky. I want you to be proud of being Ethiopian."

She seemed to understand what I was saying and believe me, because she made a connection to our previous conversation. When I left her side to go and put cream on Gadisae's hands and tuck her in, she said to me, "One mum. No, two mums." She put up two fingers.

"Yes, you have two mums. One Eeetiopia mum and one Canada mum. Yes."

"Two mums and two dads," She repeated.

This was the first that she had mentioned her Ethiopian dad, so I was a bit excited to see an opening for a 'talk'. I was so pleased to see that she was remembering our talk from the other day about her Enat, and her desire to bring this up again. I finished with Gadisae and then went back to Mesai's bed.

"What is your Eeetiopian abat's name?"

"I don't know."

"What is your Eeetiopian mum's name?"

"Sintayehu," she replied very promptly.

"Your Eeetiopian abat's name is Adugna." I pronounced the 'g' as a hard sounding g.

She looked at me funny and said, "I don't know." I told it to her again, and then she said, "Aduunya" - the pronunciation is different that I thought it was. She may be remembering that that was her surname before she was adopted. That is Ethiopian custom for the girl to take the dad's first name as her surname. I am not sure that she remembers her dad.

We chatted some more and confirmed that she had Two Mums and Two Dads and Two Countries - what a Lucky Girl!!!

It is so exciting to see progress. I can see that talking about her Enat and Abat are good things, and it is neat to see how quickly she changed her view on what is good and bad. Just by being told it is okay to love and talk about something.

It felt right. A little step at a time, but slowly I have a view into her heart and as her language comes through more, I will be able to chat with her more. I would love to ask her questions such as, what does she remember of different things. But those are big words and hard concepts. Soon.
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