Sharing "More"

I have been asked questions before regarding how the girls are 'really' doing. Honestly, they are doing remarkably. It is amazing to see how well they have settled in. Raine has a better understanding of reality in Ethiopia - what the hardships were and what she has gained by coming here. She has a very mature outlook on life. Sometimes it astounds me and I wonder if she is a mature grownup in a small child's body. Other times I am reminded she is only a 5/6 year old.

She remembers cutting up food with a sharp knife and cooking over a woodstove on a daily basis. She remembers taking care of her younger brother and taking the serious consequences from her loving Grandmother (who was just trying to protect all her grandchildren from empty tummies) when the mischievious little boy got into the food supply. And boys being boys *smile* and hunger being hunger, this happened a little too frequently. She adores her little brother and her memories of him are clear and wonderful. Raine remembers washing the dishes, getting water, and cleaning up the house. To her - the chores in Canada - are light and simple compared to her work in Ethiopia.

Here, to many children, it might appear she has a lot to do. She is responsible for emptying the dishwasher, and she and her sister fold a basket of laundry or two a day, as well as cleaning their room on Saturdays, and organizing and vacuuming the tv room. But she fits right in with the amount the rest of our children do. And to Raine? She considers her work / play ratio in Canada to be wonderful. In Ethiopia she 'did not play'. She went to school, came home, took care of her brother, cooked and cleaned and was a little grownup. Childhood there was not as carefree as in Canada, where she spends 80% of her day running around the yard chasing butterflies and brothers.

And of course, discipline in Canada is far removed from the harder consquences of Ethiopia. So Raine has a clear understanding and appreciation for what she has gained by coming here, and she is very happy with little regrets. There is one though and I will explain that though a little further on.

Now, Savannah is another child altogether. She is sometimes a very complex child. I am not sure if I am working with a child with a capacity of a 3 year old, or a wily fox of 5 or 6. *smile* This is why she is Briton's 'twin'. They are legally two months apart in age, and at times Briton can understand and do things that she still can't - even if they were exposed to them at the same time. And at other times, Briton is in lala land *smile*, while Savannah is quite cognizant of the negative choices she is making.

She has a very loving heart, but that can be confusing when one moment it is 'I love you mummy' and the next moment, I am dealing with an obvious deceptive behaviour. I am not used to out and out sneakiness in small children. They are usually too busy being obvious with their naughtiness *grin*, that they don't think to try to hide it when Mummy comes.

Getting used to our childrens' ways takes time. It is not an overnight process. When the girls first came home, I asked the social worker if it would be a couple months before we 'knew' the girls - their motives, personalities etc. She said, "A couple years." I have mentioned this on the blog before. I do believe she is right.

The other day, at the dinner table, it was mentioned that there had been an incident on the trampoline where Austin had been asked to bend over into a 90* angle. He figured that Raine was going to play something. Suddenly he felt a very sharp jab in his back. As he told this story, with no malice, because all was forgiven, Raine showed no expression. It then came up that Raine went off to play by herself and wouldn't play with the children for a period of time. I gently asked her where she had learned this and she told me a 'certain young man in Ethiopia', and he shall remain nameless *grin*, but his Mommy knows who he is, had taught her this. When he had done it, she had gone to her bed and almost cried.

So I told her, that like the last unkind thing she had said (months ago), that if something was learned from another child and she found it hurtful, she was not to repeat it. She nodded and that was the end of it. So I thought.

You see, when you have a child that has not done a lot of hurtful things - perhaps three or four over nine months, you have a hard time assessing motive. It is easier to 'see' the pattern if it is more routine or regular.

That night at bedtime, she brought it up again on her own. She told me that she had left the children because she did not want to play with them, because she had no intention of hurting Austin and she felt so bad. At this, she dissolved into deep sobs. We hugged and I talked about the fact that Austin had forgiven her and it was all gone. She took a while to settle down and then she proceeded to pray about it and asked that she not hurt Austin like that again.

This was the last time I needed to see a 'hurtful' incident to realize this was truly a child with a loving heart that wouldn't willfully hurt a fly. She was deeply grieved to realize her actions had done so. But this had taken *nine months* to see enough incidents to see the real child. As I am seeing more and more on a daily basis, these children do not unwrap their full and true hearts and feelings overnights. It takes so much time. And when you have a child that has moved from home to home numerous times, they have more reason to hide their feelings and put on a tough or not caring front.

I am so happy to see her heart and feel I truly know it. What makes it easy is how straight forward she is. You get what you see.

Savannah is another character altogether, as I mentioned. She is very loving, but as I mentioned before, she is cut from the same cloth as two of my other children who spent a *lot* of time in the hot seat. *smile*

I call the method of training that she requires 'tomato staking'. Actually, I didn't coin this phrase. One day, when Dane was quite small, I read an article about tomato staking and how important this was to children that tended to get into mischief, trouble, make poor choices. Like a tomato that is unfettered by a stake, a child that doesn't make the right choices will tend to run wild, unless kept close by the parent. A tomato that is trained up a stake will turn out beautiful and have wonderful ripe tomatoes. It will be a joy to the gardener. On the other hand, the tomato plant that is left unattended will travel and become a burden to the gardener, as it grows across the other plants.

Likewise, a child that is left to bring himself up, is a child that will bring trouble to himself and his parents. But a child that is kept lovingly close, while being taught the necessity of self-control, better choices, honest behaviours is a child that will make a mother proud.

My wonderful, loving, funny, Sunny-Boy Dane, was one such child. Oh my goodness! That boy could keep me hopping. But I knew his spirit. He was a wonderful child that simply lacked self-control, and wouldn't take nuttin' from nobody. *grin*

One day, at the age of five, Dane was invited to a birthday party across the street. I knew he should only be unattended for thirty minutes. After that, I couldn't be sure the mischief he might get into. I sent him and after thirty minutes of piece and quiet, I figured another thirty wouldn't hurt.

My error. I arrived at the party, where he didn't know a single child, except for the hostess child. I found out from the mother that the other children had locked him in the sandbox cage. They had been calling him names, because they didn't know him from their preschool, and he with his "Otter/Sanguine Personality" had struck back. Like an otter, a child in this category tends to be very playful, but when annoyed by someone they can strike out with their little paws.

I had known this and set him up for failure by leaving him for longer than I knew he was ready to handle. When he was four years old, I pulled him out of Sunday School. He was constantly getting into trouble, and honestly, it was quite clear that the male teacher did not like him. He obviously wanted children that all conformed easily. And I do understand how it can be hard for a teacher.

I knew Dane wasn't handling the other children well. He was not exercising self-control, and I also knew that if he was constantly in trouble his spirit would get crushed. I am a mum who really is on top of her children's behaviours, so this was not me being permissive. I was simply working with my child's limitations at that age.

The following September, a class opened up at the church. This was run by a bunch of volunteer mothers and some teachers. It was a wonderful class called "Wee College". It was a Sunday School program that taught so much more than Sunday School. I enrolled Dane in this class because it was set up for success for him. The teacher/student ratio was higher - 1:4, versus Sunday School of 1:20. And the teachers understood Dane's personality and they loved him sincerely. He *thrived* in that class!

As the years grew, I allowed him room to run. But he was always kept a little closer than the other children. When Colt was allowed to go off with someone for an overnighter, Dane was not - yet. He gained all the freedoms Colt did - but at a later date, when he was ready to show he could handle it.

And I have another little boy in the same situation right now. It saddens him at times that he can't have the same liberties as his brothers, but until he can exercise self-control and not have me getting calls about his mischievousness etc, he will have more chaperoning.

And I am delighted, and not surprised *in the least* to report that Dane is now a *wonderful, mature, responsible, well-liked* young man and has been for many years. I give full credit to *Tomatoe Staking*. If you read on down the page at that site, you will read a mom's account of how tomato staking helped her. It is not the original source but I can no longer find that.

I have discovered that Savannah is another child that needs Tomato Staking. All children do to a degree; some children seem to need it more than others. I have three such children.

I do not use my blog to share my childrens' failings, and so you will probably rarely hear the 'real scoop' on issues that my children might be facing. All of us have things to work on, and this blog is written as a journal for my children and family, but it also is there as an encouragement to those that are adopting from Ethiopia, who want a pretty 'real' look at the transition of Ethiopian children. So sometimes, I will open up and share some insights, but not too often.

How would I have made my decision regarding adopting from that country if I had not found websites that were willing to share the nitty gritty!? It doesn't mean we love our children less. We are simply sharing from a place where there is relative anonymity for them.

And for Savannah, life in Canada is not life in Ethiopia. Her memories of Ethiopia are much more soft and lovely than her sister's. There Savannah had no work, slept with her mother, was fed first, and therefore was disillusioned to believe there was usually food, and she received no consequences. In Canada, she has chores, and these she is not fond of.... She has realized that there are more opportunities to disobey or make poor choices, and thus, has realized that there are consequences for this.

It would be very easy for her to create a rosy picture of her memories of Ethiopia based on the fact that she was only a very small child, and therefore did not experience the hardships of life in her country.

This makes it a little harder to parent her, as I am combating these 'lovely memories'. And the reality is - it wasn't like that at all. She is simply too young to remember or to have even been aware of how hard life was for her mother, her sister, brother, aunts, uncles, and grandmother. Sadly, this causes her to cling to Ethiopia and her memories of her belief in what life was like a little more. And that in turn, makes her timeouts and loss of privilege seem so much bigger than Raine's, when Raine measures her loss of dessert against a beating with a stick. It is all about perspective.

So you see, the girls *are* adjusting wonderfully, but it will probably take Savannah longer to settle in. And given the impish little girl she is, like Dane and Austin were/are - life will always be a little more adventurous for me!

And as I mentioned earlier, Raine has one thing that makes life in Canada hard. I had no clue to the depth of her feelings regarding this issue, until recently, and when I did, it ripped my heart in two.

One night, about two weeks ago, I was putting Raine to bed. Savannah had been grieving for her mother, and we had been hugging, and she had cried, "Why doesn't she want me!" This came because I had finally had to tell Savannah she would not be going back to her mother. She looked at me with absolute sadness and then wailed that she wanted her S. (as she calls her Enat). She couldn't understand that her mother could love her, and yet be able to give her up.

We talked for about 20 minutes and as we did I could see that Raine's complexity of thoughts was so much more advanced than even two weeks earlier. She told her sister how there had not been food.

"Savannah, S. would give us food and then she would say, 'Have you had enough, do you want some more?' And if we didn't want more then she would sometimes eat a little bit. There wasn't food. S. was not eating. She was very, very skinny."

Up to this point, Savannah had talked about going back to Ethiopia. Raine has not done so. Raine is happy to be here and has really connected with life here. She tells me that she is going to be a doctor and then go back and help the people one day.

I used to allow and encourage the girls to talk of when they were going to go back to Ethiopia when they were 'Cassidy and Dane's age' but now I have heard much opinions on this and the fact is it seems to be accurate. While Raine is adjusting, Savannah is clinging to Ethiopia. The advice I was given was to cut the strings with Ethiopia to some degree. We will honour her mother. We will talk of their past and embrace Ethiopian culture. We will get together whenever we can with other Ethiopian children. But I will no longer focus on "when" we go to Ethiopia. The general consensus was that if we allow this then Savannah will cling to the hope of going back and finding S., and have a harder time letting go to that part of her life, and reaching out to our life.

So at this moment, we will continue to talk of their past - daily, if they wish. But we will now leave Ethiopia as a part of the world, rather than a destination. We have now told the girls that we will go back to Ethiopia if it is God's will. They have accepted that, and it no longer puts a deadline on it. I have heard of a child that was told 'when you are thirteen we will go back'. That child lived everyday for when she was thirteen. That is not a healthy way to live.

As I was consoling Savannah, Raine was counseling her with her own memories and that child had the wisdom of a person beyond her years! After Savannah was through her sadness, she went to the bathroom and washed her face, and I began talking to Raine. I wanted to give her a moment to see if she had some grieving to let out. She is such a self-restrained child that I knew there had to be *some* grief in there, but it simply never comes.

For a while, she was very matter-of-fact about her Ayat (grandmother) and then shortly after she began to share something else with me.

"When I was outside today, I got down on my knees like this, (and she demonstrated) and I told Savannah, 'You don't tell the boys. It's not their business. I want to pray to God.' And then I prayed to God about Yoseph."

She told me that she pleaded with God to bring Yoseph to her. That she loved him and missed him and wanted him. She cried great tears of anguish and told me she wished she wasn't such a tough girl. "I don't know why I'm so tough. I want to cry like Savannah."

I hugged her and cried openly with her. It broke my heart to see how grieved she was at the loss of Yoseph. We have always been open to Yoseph, if he became available for adoption, as it was the 'right thing to do', but honestly I felt my plate was so full, I couldn't imagine another preschooler! (Raine had been told by her grandmother that when he was four Yoseph would be placed for adoption.)

But as I rocked this hurting little girl, who is always so strong, my heart ached for her, and I could no longer think selfishly. As I prayed for her I heard the words, "Your will, not mine," cross my lips, and I sincerely meant it. I have no clue where those words came from, as I was not thinking them.

I know how healing it would be for Raine to have her little brother with her again. In the meantime, we prayed that God would lessen her pain and give her fond memories instead.

A little later, she stunned me when she said to me, "Today when I was in the yard I got down on my knees and I said, "Lord I'll do what you say.If you say no. If you say yes. If you say wait. I'll do what you say. Please Lord, let Yoseph to come."

The maturity of this little girl astounds me. Once when discussing Yoseph I had told her that she could pray but that God doesn't always answer 'yes'. Sometimes it is 'yes', sometimes 'no', and sometimes, 'wait'. She had never forgotten my words and had taken them into her heart.

I am beyond saddened to realize how deep her grief goes. She has been a tough girl for so long, giving us only a glimpse now and then of her sadness at the loss of Yoseph. I had no clue how much she missed him. At the same time, I am *so* very thankful that God brought her to us, where she has Briton who so clearly gives her fond memories of her brother who was the same age as Briton.

And I now pray that God will bring him to us, if it is His will, to ease her sadness.

So you see, the children are settling in well. But there will be grief that needs to come out over the course of years, and there will always be personality and behaviours to deal with the same as any of our children. And there will always be the sin nature that we all contend with.

But I am so very blessed that God chose to put these two very different little girls into our family! And I pray that I can parent them in the way that is best for each of them, and it is not easy when you don't know what and who they really are deep down. So I pray daily for wisdom in dealing with *all* of our children.
.